The Lowdown
OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL TRI!
By Jeff Matlow
Congratulations! You’ve picked a great sport You’ll go to great places Whether you’re big, lean or short
You have brains in your helmet And cleats for your feet Rash marks from your lycra You’re a true triathlete
You’ll bike and you’ll swim And you’ll run every day You’ve got flow charts and go charts You’re one Type more than Type A
The Couchies and Fearfuls Will always ask why They’ll sneer at you, leer at you They don’t know why you tri
Cause training is your life It’s a powerful drug Tapering is the hardest You don’t want to feel like a slug
But wherever you race You’ll be the best of the best Wherever you go You will top all the rest
Oh, the places you’ll tri The many places you’ll race You’ll travel to new courses And try to pick up your pace
Then the night before race day There’s no sleep from the fear You’re at the race before sunrise Carrying great gobloads of gear
You organize transition So meticulously If I didn’t know you better I’d think you have OCD
The Cheeries are cheering While you stand at the line You’re peeing in your wetsuit It’s almost go time
Then BLAM! goes the gun And chaos starts the race Your face meets the fists And the fists meet your face
But you’ll finish the swim A little worse for the wear Water-filled lungs Bald spots from pulled hair
You’ll crawl from the water Feeling dizzy inside Stumble to your bike It’s time to go ride
But you won’t lag behind You feel you’ll have speed You’ll pass the whole gang And you’ll soon take the lead
But reality sets in When the legs start to burn The course is endless and mindless Did you take a wrong turn?
You drank all the powder Already swallowed the Gu You’re sweating out Gatorade You just need to get through
But just as you’re ready To do away with the fun You’ll get to T2 It’s time for the run
And off prancing you will go Like a young puppy poodle You feel closer to the finish Your legs feel like a noodle
You felt sprite at the start But then you slowly decay Suddenly the finish seems further It’s a long, long, long day
Then the second wind blusters As you surge up that hill You’ll soon reach the top And feel suddenly ill
You may swear at the cramp And bend over in pain And vow to yourself Never to do this again
“This stupid sport,” you’ll say Why do I do what I do I promise to be a Couchie If you just help get me through
Then the Luckies of Luckville Will sound in your ear Their rah-makers and fan-clappers Tell you the finish is near
You hear the horn blasters The high-pitched Woohoo-ers The microphoned music And the You Can Do Do-ers
Like a bomb in your belly The adrenaline starts flowing And your legs begin moving And keep going and going
You’ll finally reach the finish And jump across that line You’ll scream, “Hallelujah”
You’ll forget to check your time But your smile will stretch From Cozumel to Ibiza You want to throw up But you could use a slice of pizza
“I love this sport,” you’ll scream From the hill to the sea I want to do it again Once my rash clears from the pee
So you’ll limp into the sunset The light glittering on your medal Your heart gushing with pride Your leg bruised from a pedal
They will never understand The Couchies, the Fearfuls and the Always Ask Why, Try as they must They don’t understand why we Tri
Because winning is a mindset Not a place in a line Success is about happiness Not about a finishing time
Soo... be your name Betty or Freddy or Grey or Chantal Jose Rosenstock Ramson O’Day You’re off to great races Today is your day Your T2 bag is waiting So get on your way.
Jeff Matlow likes to eat green eggs and ham before a race.
JeffRuns@imATHLETE.com or
twitter.com/IAmAthlete
80 USA TRIATHLON FALL 2013
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