THE WASHINGTON POST • THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2010
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FAMILY ALMANAC
How to keep girls’ healthy curiosity healthy Q
BEYOND THE ALMANAC by Marguerite Kelly
What should we do about two girls, ages 5 and 7, who are deeply interested in discovering their
bodies? The children think it’s funny to show their private parts and to talk about their “bottoms,” especially when they play with their girlfriends, and there is lots of laughter when this is going on. Maybe all kids get curious about their bodies at this age, and maybe they all go through similar experiences, but what should a parent do about it? What type of punishment should be used to curtail this behavior? So far, nothing is working: timeouts, taking away favorite things, etc. They simply do it again and again, particularly when they’re around other little girls.
make the tide stand still. It may embarrass you to hear them giggling about their private parts and talking about their bottoms, but this behavior is perfectly normal. Children are fascinated by their bodies from the day they are born, for they are sexual beings. They play with their fingers and toes, their hair and their noses and with their bottoms too, especially when they’re bored. When they reach the rowdy
A
age of 4, however, the interest they take in their bodies goes into high gear. For the next year or so, they like to play doctor games, they’re quick to oblige any child who says “show me yours” and they crack many jokes about peeing and pooping, because elimination and sex are closely connected in a young child’s mind and both subjects
You can no more stop your children from examining their bodies than you can
amuse them immensely. A fart joke or even the mention of underpants is considered wildly funny between 4 and 8. The word “bottom” is the height of hilarity, and anyone who calls another person a “poo-poo head” is quite a wit. There’s no real harm in this kind of talk, but it won’t happen so often if you give your girls small jobs to do before they get bored or put them in different rooms when they do. And if they start talking about their bottoms anyway? Tell them to do their bathroom talking in the bathroom. This usually puts an end to it, for a while, because trash talk needs an audience more than anything else. A child’s interest in bathroom talk usually dwindles around 6,
HADLEY HOOPER FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
but rises again at 7 when the first weak hormones of puberty kick in. When boys and girls adjust to these hormones, which happens when they’re around 8, they immediately pull away from each other for several years (for which you can only be grateful). In addition to patience, you also need to try some preventive discipline, because it nearly always works better than a punishment. Just as you keep the computer in the family room so you can see what your children are looking at online, you should have them keep the door open when they’re with their girlfriends, even if they’re in their own bedroom. Boys should not visit girls in any bedroom however, even at 5 and 7,
You’ll find that “From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children From Infancy to Middle School,” by Debra W. Haffner (Newmarket, $17) will make it easier for you to talk to your children about their bodies, particularly if you also give your daughters a few books on sex, written for the 9-to-12-year-old market. Among the best: “But How’d I Get in There in the First Place?” by Deborah Roffman (Perseus, $14); “Period.: A Girl’s Guide,” by JoAnn Loulan and Bonnie Worthen (Book Peddlers, $10) and two excellent books by Robie H. Harris, “It’s Perfectly Normal” and “It’s So Amazing!,” which each costs $13.
— M.K.
whether the door is open or not. This rule may seem extreme, but if you lay it down now, it won’t be an issue when your girls turn into teenagers. While the passage of time and the passing of rules will stop most of the talk about bottoms, it will stop even sooner if you take the mystery out of sex. Begin by talking with your girls — candidly, matter-of-factly and often — about the human body. They have the right to know how the heart, the liver, the lungs — and yes, the sex organs — work and also to know how babies get out of the uterus . . . and how they get in. Every child wants to know the answers to these two questions, but most of them don’t have the nerve to ask. Even if they did, their parents
might find it hard to pass on this information because sex can be so difficult for people to explain, especially to their own children.
Marguerite Kelly is a freelance writer. Questions? Send them to
advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, DC 20003.
My 4-year-old is really turning into a crybaby. Every tiny little bump turns into a drama-filled cry. I don’t want her to think I don’t care about her, but it’s also getting to the point where she’s crying wolf. She has a 17-month-old sister, and I don’t want her learning this bad habit! You could try imitating her, moaning over every boo-boo that comes your way, then laughing about it with her. Or plastering Band-Aids on her dollies. It’s just a way to get a little more loving. Tea parties help, while the baby is napping. And try to hire a 12-year-old to walk the younger one around the block a few times, so you can have a few minutes alone with your big girl. She misses you.
Our 15-year-old has a good group of friends and an active social life but seems to always be the instigator. He told me he is tired of being the one “in charge” and why couldn’t any of his friends think to call him to initiate something? But if he tries to wait them out, he ends up with no plans. What can I tell him? Mid-teenagers are so self-conscious; if someone takes the lead in their crowd, they willingly let him do it. The best thing he could probably do is to ask his friends why it is that they never suggest an activity and that he wished they would sometimes. He may like the results, or he may find out that he’d really rather run the pack than be a runner in it.
Read a complete transcript of this Q&A at
www.washingtonpost.com/advice. PARENTING Q&A
Marguerite Kelly answered readers’ questions recently in an online chat. Here are edited excerpts.
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