your life ENJOYING THE JOURNEY IT TAKES TWO: Dating as an Adult
What’s the most important thing to do before re-entering the single’s scene as an adult? A psychologist specializing in relationships answers your questions about dating again.
More and more adults are facing mid life and beyond as singles, usually because of a divorce. Some are very content to be alone. But many are not. Those who want to find a new love relationship often find it difficult to get back into dating. As a psychologist, I think it is important for adults who have ended
a marriage to make sure that they are psychologically and emotionally ready to date, with the goal of finding another committed relationship. Preparation for dating means being willing to really look at oneself and honestly examine how you contributed to the ending of the previous relationship. Many people leave a marriage convinced that the other person caused all of the problems. They are never willing to face the painful truth of what they did or did not do to help destroy the relationship. The truth: If you don’t take that painful journey, you are destined to make the same mistakes in the next relationship that you made in the previous one.
RELATIONSHIP PITFALLS
• Being attracted to “bad boys” or “bad girls” and being disappointed when they continue the bad behavior.
• Enabling addictions and being angry about the behaviors of the addict.
• Being co-dependent—putting everyone else’s needs before your own, and then being disappointed when you are not appreciated and are taken for granted.
• Being very demanding and impatient with flaws in your partner.
• Allowing your significant other to control you and then being angry about the control.
• Expecting to be taken care of and then being disappointed when it doesn’t happen.
Dating Prep Understanding yourself and working on changing what you need to change about yourself is the most important thing you can do before you start dating. If you don’t, you will probably be attracted to people who are similar to the ex who disappointed you. Plus, you might behave in ways that will encourage the new partner to take on those bother- some behaviors of the ex. Even if your reason for ending the marriage was that your spouse was having affairs, accept the fact that there was a dynamic in the relationship that allowed that to happen. That self-examination and working to make some personal changes takes about a year. After that you are ready to date. But how do you get started?
Go Online Online dating services are a popular way to meet people. Just make sure that you meet people from online dating in safe locations and drive yourself to the first date so you are free to leave and get home when you’re ready. If you don’t like the person you meet or the person makes you feel uncomfortable, be prepared to be assertive about not wanting to have another date with him or her. Don’t waste time dating someone you know is not for you just to keep from feeling lonely or not wanting to hurt the person’s feelings. Be honest when filling out the
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JILL BLEY, Ph.D. Dr. Bley is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Cincinnati, OH. Two of her areas of specialty are couples therapy and sexuality therapy. She taught couples and sex therapy at the University of Cincinnati for 18 years.
FALL 2010 | HEALTHY ADVICE 49
____________________________________________ SINGLES
Single woman, age 48, recently divorced, hasn’t dated in more than two decades, seeks dating advice. Help!
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