NLP
Balance the boat
Do you notice that your couple is clinging angry one getting angrier) can make things
to specific roles? One is always the clingy worse. You getting angrier might make them
one while the other is less available? One nicer. You arriving late, for once, may make
thinks they’re always right while the other them arrive earlier than all the previous
is always wrong? One’s nice while the pleas you’ve made. Juliet recommends
other’s angry? When there are polarities, mirroring and matching energy levels and
our impulse (e.g. becoming nicer to stop the content if you’re going to mismatch tone.
(Fortunately, now when I catch myself cooking your favourite dinner. mean “I will only do this if you do yours”
thinking unhelpful thoughts like this, I reign • Turning their complaints into wishes – Some but tasks are equal in terms of effort. For
them in. I laugh at myself and remind myself couples may be pretty stuck and so focused example, a cup of tea in bed every morning
of the things __ does to show __ does care). on what they don’t want, they can’t even might equal cooked dinner once a week.
Juliet says, “We read certain behaviours as imagine what might help them feel more If your couple is having trouble coming up
demonstrating a label.” She brings this into her loved. Help them reframe their complaints so with tasks, ask questions like:
couples work by getting her clients to talk about they have a better understanding of what • What is it you don’t like about your partner?
the things they do that show their partners they they do want. • What would you like him / her to do
care. “We often do for people what we want • Forming tasks – Think of different levels differently?
ourselves.” of difficulty / effort. Saying “Hi” is much • What one thing would be a start?
She helps couples relearn how to negotiate by: easier than preparing your favourite meal. Juliet says, “If you’re in a relationship and
• Inviting them to make a symbolic Think of all the different ways they could you keep asking for something you’ll never get,
behavioural request – this means asking the show each other they care. Juliet says it has you’ll quickly feel like you’re not getting your
partner to do something that will help them to be “Something that’s very easy for them to needs met.”
feel loved. It might be anything from pausing assimilate into their daily life.” When clients come back for their next session
the TV to say hello when you get home to • Make the tasks reciprocal - This doesn’t and haven’t done their homework, Juliet’s quick
to reframe things by saying something like “I
We often do for people
think I’ve been overambitious” or “you’re not
really ready for this negotiation – we’ll come
what we want ourselves
back to it in a few weeks” rather than saying
anything that makes them feel worse. “There’s
no such thing as failure, only feedback. ‘You
didn’t do the homework? That’s great – let’s
Different types of intimacy
explore why...’ If it carries on, I get frustrated
Juliet warns against expecting one person to meet all our needs. We can
and point out that ‘I need help to help you’ but
while it’s giving new info that’s fine. Having a
have a level of emotional intimacy, social intimacy, recreational intimacy and
failed marriage behind me has really helped me
intellectual intimacy with people other than our partner.
as a couple’s counsellor.” She stresses the need
to normalise their experiences so they stop
feeling like they’re the only one.
“The more important someone is to you, the
harder it is to be honest. For example, ‘No, I
don’t like that dress’. As intimacy increases so
does vulnerability. The closer I get, the more
important they become, the less I want to lose
them. If Person A is dependent and Person B
is Independent, the Independent one should
do a lot of reassuring for the Dependent one.
The Dependent one then becomes stronger.
It’s a dance.”
Resources
www.therapyandcounselling.co.uk – Juliet’s
workshops
www.basrt.org.uk - British Association of Sexual
and Relationship Therapists
16 | Autumn 2009 - rapport
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