NLP
Use your words (Extra tips for decentering)
While observing the decentered conversations, there are lots of
things you can do to reframe clients’ language in a way that helps
them move forward. These include:
• helping them focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past
• referring to themselves as “I” rather than “we”
• going from using generalisations to become more specific
• focusing on what’s equal rather than the inequalities
• checking out assumptions rather than falling into the trap of
mind reading
• turning one person’s monologue into a dialogue they’re both
invested in
• avoiding interruptions by listening and reflecting back
• keeping them focused rather than constantly changing topics
• changing the order of the way things are said to avoid a “sting
in the tail”
• encouraging them to avoid “buts”. If I say “I’d love to go out
You have to be prepared
tonight but I’m really tired”, am I going out? What about if I say
“I’m really tired but I will come out” The “but” deletes the first
to step into your authority,
part of the sentence. Replace it with a more flexible “I’m tired
and I’ll go out so I’ll leave a bit early.”
get in there and be strong
• seeing whether they’re at cause (proactive) or effect (victim)?
enough to hold them
in workshops or other trainings, these couples you do this?” gestures to get them back to talking to each
coaching tips from Juliet will help you empower The approach gets couples to dive straight other. Look at them when they’re doing it well.
your clients to help themselves when you’re into negotiating with each other. “Their Talk to the person who’s listening.”
not there. dependency on the therapist is minimised. It If things are at a stalemate, asking them
also helps couples to stay with one issue.” If what attracted them to each other, while getting
Decentering you’re working with a couple in this way, Juliet them to remain decentered, can help them
“Decentering gets couples to talk to each other says, “Don’t be available through eye contact. bridge the angst. Often, Juliet finds reframing
rather than doing it through the therapist,” says Look using a soft focus keeping both of them in a problem helps her clients. For example, with
Juliet. She can then observe and ask questions the picture, using peripheral vision. Use hand a couple who were arguing because he wanted
but the couple (or team) is learning more about to feel like a bigger part of the family and
their own communication styles and what they she wanted him around more, Juliet chunked
can practice doing differently between sessions.
Relationship cycle
down to point out “there’s actually a lot of
“It gives insight into how they relate and commonality.”
information they may not report verbally. • Attraction
Rather than having the couple talking to me, I
• Commitment
Reciprocity Negotiation
have them face and talk to each other. You can I loved learning about complex equivalents
then point out what you notice (if one of them
• Readjustments (work, children
when I did my NLP training. “He forgot my
is being quiet or if one’s talking a lot). You can
arriving / leaving, infidelity, illness,
birthday so obviously doesn’t love me” may
even use psychogeography, perhaps by moving
retirement)
be one of endless assumptions we make about
your chair to support the quieter person or by people when we’re feeling in need of some
pointing things out like ‘I notice when I ask • Aging (menopause) reassurance.
how the week’s gone, it’s always Jane...’. Ask Even now, I often catch myself thinking
questions at certain points, like, ‘Let me just
• Death
along the lines of “__ is late again. That
stop you, how does it feel in your body when means __ doesn’t care about me.”
rapport - Autumn 2009
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