5 MINUTES
with DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER
Quit Whining About Past, Focus on Present
I
host a daily, three-hour radio talk show, during which time people call me . . . to talk. They want to discuss their ethical,
moral, and interpersonal problems. But does talking about these issues help or hurt? At first it helps. But later it
probably hurts more than it helps. I recently had a caller whose
whiny voice when she came on the air immediately told me about her demeanor. While she stumbled around in her attempts to ask me a question, she kept complaining about a litany of awful things in her past. “What is your problem today?” I
asked her. But she kept launching into another story from years ago. Once again: “Do you have
a problem today?” I must have interrupted her five or six times with that question until she finally said, “Well, no, but . . .” Finally, she revealed she was
married with two small children. I asked her if she had a nice husband. Affirmative. I asked her if her children were
healthy and adorable. Affirmative. So why would she choose to bring
her ugly past into her lovely present with such determination? She got quiet, but only for an instant and then
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it all started again, whining about what she doesn’t get — what she never got — from her family. “I thought you just told me that
your husband and children were blessings.” I was trying to get her to
differentiate past from present; original family from current family; what was in her control — enjoying the present; and not in her control — trying to remedy her past. I failed. I can only hope that she
thought about it more later and came to realize that retroactive suffering is useless and destructive. Overtalking about historical
disappointment and pain enforces the focus on the negative aspects of the problems and deepens feelings of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. We ultimately have to choose to
live today and not in aftershocks of our yesterdays. I recently received this letter from
a board-certified clinical psychologist, practicing for 17 years: “I listened to your show the most
in the early 2000s, when I was completing my clinical internship in Boston. I remember a caller who lamented that he was 28 and hopelessly depressed. “He had tried multiple therapists
and antidepressants, read an impressive list of self-help books, attended motivational seminars, sought spiritual guidance, tried new hobbies, practiced mindfulness and meditation, and received support from family. Nothing worked. “He hoped you could succeed
where others had failed. I was hanging on every word, dying to know what Dr. Laura would offer that man who had tried everything. You calmly said: ‘When was the last time you did something to make yourself proud of you?’ “After deep contemplation, the
young man said, ‘Probably when I graduated high school.’ “You said, ‘You mean to tell me
that you haven’t done anything to be proud of in 10 years? And in the same breath you are asking me why you’re depressed?’ “You then explained that there’s a
reason why all the interventions had failed to help him. He was treating his condition like a disease instead of a normal human response to a life not well lived. You told him to hang up the phone and do something to make himself proud. “What a lesson!” In conclusion: Either do something
to make yourself proud or value what you already have done that you ought to take pride in. Pick one.
Listen to Dr. Laura on SiriusXM Channel 111, Mon.–Sat. 2–6pm ET, Sun. 5–9pm ET.
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