COLUMN JOIE DE VIVRE
Time off for not- good behaviour”
Not content with disposing of his fi ctional characters, Ian Moore has only gone and killed off his B&B too...
T
hey say all good things must come to an end. Fair enough. What’s rarely mentioned,
however, is the possibility, that some bad things may come to an end too. So I have good news for you, the Wicked Witch is dead. Not literally, of course, I have nothing personal against witches, wicked or otherwise, but – drum roll – my chambres d’hôtes, my posh B&B, call it what you will, is now closed. Shut. Fermé. Défi nitivement. I have spent the last six
years or so, regaling you (or trying your patience, delete as appropriate) with my tales of holiday hosting, hotel management, cook, cleaner, bottlewasher, unpaid babysitter, swimming pool attendant, croissant server, coff ee apologist and dog whisperer… well, you can all stand down. I’ve been given time off for not-all- that-good-behaviour. I repeat, we’re closed. Now, don’t misunderstand
me. My half a dozen years at the grim coalface of hospitality has not been without its upside. For instance, midway through my sentence – sorry, experience – I decided to spend my time waiting for guests who’d asked for breakfast at 6.30am but didn’t show until nine, writing. I started with comedy capers, cosy mystery novels set around a middle-aged Englishman’s rural French B&B, whose guests are suspiciously bumped off … I mean, cathartic barely covers it. Their authenticity has made them bestsellers but almost
like these are largely full of optimistic, friendly people who want to share their good fortune with others who would like a taste of the same. They do a wonderful job of renovating; literally, breathing life back into dilapidated, forlorn, largely forgotten but gorgeous historical properties. They go into it for the right
reasons too, I suspect. Murder, my new vicarious profession, is probably the last thing on their minds. Hospitality and a warm welcome being their new, overwhelming priority. Good luck to them, genuinely, I wish them well. Just don’t read the reviews. So, am I leaving the
more than that, and this is quite important from a legal point of view, I was able to vent my frustrations without actually physically disposing of any my guests. ‘Physically disposing’ of guests being something of a black mark in the TripAdvisor/AirBnb review criteria. No longer having to wait for
a review will add years to my life. No more: “I know we’re in rural France, but I really like Edam for breakfast.” No more: “We’re here to visit the zoo, but must you have your own animals?” No more: “What are we supposed to do with the children in the Loire Valley?” No more: “There’s too much grass in the garden.” And no more middle-of- the-night phone calls that
begin with, “Hello, Monsieur Moore? There’s a spider in our bathroom…” “Really?” I responded far too often. “A spider? In the countryside? No. Way?” I should perhaps insert a
caveat here. I was warned against opening up a chambres d’hôtes – not by other chambres d’hôtes owners, I hasten to add, but by people who knew me. People who also knew that ‘me’ and the B&B experience they were aware of, was a match made in nuclear fi ssion hell; explosive doesn’t come close. I happily admit defeat, my friends – none of whom stayed when the place was open – were all right. I watch TV shows like
Chateau DIY with a mixture of anxiety and awe. Programmes
hospitality profession entirely? From now on concentrating solely on the cosy, fi ctional disposal of visitors to this beautiful country? The answer is no. And while I feel I should perhaps apologise for remaining in the travel industry, I am nevertheless excited by my new venture. I have transformed my
B&B into a Writers’ Retreat, a tranquil, rural space for writers to come and fi nish their work, to share their writing experience with likeminded individuals. You never know, I may even invite some AirBnB guests as a source of inspiration. ■
Ian Moore is a comedian, writer, chutney-maker and mod who lives with his family in the Loire Valley. His latest book in Playing the Martyr (£8.99,
amazon.co.uk)
ianmoore.info
lapausevaldeloire.com
FRENCH PROPERTY NEWS:May/June 2024 101
© RITA EVANS
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