MENTAL HEALTH
Dealing with mental health
The monster on my back
“You cannot put 30kg of fertiliser in a 20kg bag. Sooner or later it is going to spill out. I just did not know how much of a mess it was going to make.” I have read these words time and time again, and they resonate something very honest and relative to our industry and the people within it dealing with mental health issues. Kerry Haywood spoke to Graeme Farmer
I
could not say even I know what triggered it off, but I now know (after therapy sessions) that ‘it’ had been brewing for a while and I was literally hanging on by my fingertips. Telltale signs were sleeping a lot, getting emotional about random things; like at the end of Die Hard when John McClane meets Sgt Al Powell for the first time. Also, being very irritated about the stupidest of things, being stubborn and not delegating, just trying to do everything myself and not listening to suggestions and advice. I was so wrapped up in my job and that constant feeling of self-loathing; it made me try and take even more on to justify my place in society, when it clearly was not warranted.
Probably, the biggest thing for me was contemplating suicide and the realisation that it was a normal everyday thought - like putting the bins out. That thought alone should have scared the hell out of me, but it didn’t, and I was just closing myself off. ‘I’m fine’ I would say when asked or ‘nothing’ when asked what the matter was. I just didn’t feel I had any right to say that I wasn’t okay, mainly because I thought people would not be interested or care… which astonishingly, in some quarters, proved correct.
I had worked at my previous job for just over seventeen years. Starting out as an assistant groundsman and finishing off as a grounds manager. I could go in-depth about my time there, both good and bad, but I will say only this … when you know someone is passionate about their job and does
A lot of people are still
scared to speak out about having any form of mental health. I know why; Stigma. Being talked about like you are a ‘nutter’, fear over future employment
prospects by speaking out … the list goes on
Graeme Farmer PC June/July 2020 75
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