sexuality
by steven ing
THE NEED TO BE
DESIRED
Remember Cheap Trick, oh, about 1977? You might remember these lines:
OK, but now it’s 2020 and you’re going along
in your life, minding your own business, making money and hanging out with friends, and you’re doing it all pretty comfortably because you also have checked the box of a long-time committed re- lationship with your partner. There’s the occasional wild night out and sometimes a supporting cast is brought into your epic love life. A good time is had by all. Life is good. Then, imperceptibly at first, you begin to feel, mmm, an undefined something. At first, it’s only a vague sense of unease and then, over time, you work hard to avoid acknowledging what is obvious to everyone: Your man is just not that into you. But this brings up a problem. We all have a legit
need to be desired. We indeed have a universal need to be desired. But often enough our reality is that we simply aren’t desired — at least, not desired enough to meet our needs. Sometimes we make a deal with the devil (no, not the one with the bad fake tan, the other one) to settle for merely being in a relationship. Often, we do this without our need to be desired getting met at all. And what
I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm beggin' you to beg me
would things look like if we were to get our need to be desired met? Well, we’d have a mate who gave us those smoldering looks that say, “I want you.” We’d be able to tell from his touch that he just can’t keep his hands off us. We’d enjoy the security that comes from a clear and consistent message of, “You really do it for me.” We’d know that, even as the years pile up, I still (really and truly) got it goin’ on. I do it for him. Most of us know when this isn’t the state of our
relationships. We feel lonely, disconnected, and struggle with an increasing sense of insecurity. The false remedy for many of us is to have more sex with more people under conditions that can only be described as “whatever.” This is not a remedy because our need is to be authentically desired. This is true because the need to be desired is the sexually mature version of our need for belonging. No one doubts that the need for belonging
is a part of our species. American psychologist Abraham Harold Maslow placed this need for belonging in the middle of his famous pyramid of human needs. As wonderful as Maslow’s efforts
were back in 1943, ah, well, we’ve achieved some additional insights. One is our insight that our needs evolve. I may no longer need to belong to my neighborhood because I’ve got the mobility to travel, and the insight to comprehend that I want and need the specific type of people I view as my tribe. I want the belonging that comes from my connection to my real tribe, not those barbarians who don’t use lube. Part of our evolution follows our hitting puberty with a big wet “thwaap.” New developments make for new needs, like: “I need you to need me.” Now, imagine the perfect sex life, perfect in every
conceivable way. Now subtract the one element of being desired. Still all the sex you want but your partner doesn’t desire you. Is that sex life perfect anymore? And so, we begin to face the unsustain- able. Living in a couple without this, for most of us, is worse than being alone. Thankfully, knowing about the problem is the first step in solving it.
Steven Ing is a psychotherapist, author and TEDx presenter.
As a sexuality expert, he teaches how we can manage our sexuality with reason and love.
stevening.com
54
ragemonthly.com | March 2020
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64
