by dr. greg cason @drgregcason or
drgreg.com
health lab
HOW TO LEAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST
Dear Melania, It’s come to my attention that you may not be
happy with your current living arrangement. I used to think it was the Botox, but I see you are capable of smiling at funerals for dead First Ladies. I see videos of you batting away your husband’s hand every time he tries to grab yours and I saw the “Be Best” anti-cyberbullying campaign. By the way, was that the shortest phrasing you could find to get through to your husband, or was a subtle jab at English language norms? Either way, I hear your cries for help and I am here to advise. As a psychologist, I know how hard it is to be
married to a narcissist, they don’t exactly bust down the doors of our offices to get better. Rather, we see the people who have suffered at their hands. I don’t blame you for being with one, a narcissist
is charming and charismatic and preys upon the most empathic of individuals. They rope you in with grand gestures and once under their spell, they slowly become critical or withdraw affection. If you point it out, they blame you. He is the victim and the problem, is clearly with everyone else. They make no bones about tearing other people down in order to prop themselves up. The constant need for adoration even leads to multiple affairs, which has undoubtedly happened to you also. How do I know? Just call it a hunch. Narcissists are not people with healthy egos—quite
the opposite—a narcissist is fragile and tends to defend against fears of being ordinary by asserting that he is extraordinary. They defend against fears of being humiliated by first doing the humiliating. To keep the ego inflated, they relentlessly exaggerate, lie and demand attention…Sound familiar?
DEAR MELANIA:
How about obsessions with success, fame
and omnipotence? Or his entitlement resulting in demands for full compliance and for special treatment. Or how about feeling superior, “above the law,” and raging when contradicted or confronted? I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Actually, you could paint the picture. No doubt you feel trapped. To help, I consulted with
a friend who also felt trapped and got out. It was not easy, her narcissist tried to punish her in every way possible, but she was strong, much like yourself. Now she is remarried to a most amazing man, her career is on fire and she is genuinely happy. There’s hope.
FROM SOMEONE WHO SUCCESSFULLY ES- CAPED, I PROVIDE THE FOLLOWING ADVICE:
1. Come from a position of strength, not weak- ness. Recognize that you are being manipulated and work to find your own truth. A good place to start is a therapist’s office and the counsel of good friends.
2.Take the high road when possible. When you go high, he will go even lower. It’s easy to get pulled down. Climb higher.
3. Do your homework and don’t get sucked into his reality. Despite his assertions, facts are not relative. Latch onto truth even if he convinces everyone around you of his false narratives. You can see right through them…The emperor really has no clothes.
4.Avoid a dependent type of relationship. (That’s when they get very abusive.) He will reward you for sucking up and punish you for dissension. Get your own friends, your own career, and build your own identity.
5.Don’t make decisions out of fear. (Similar to #1). There are reasons to be afraid, but don’t buy into his reasons. What would you decide if your situation were happening to your best friend or mother?
6.If a confrontation is necessary, don’t let it get personal. Anchor yourself with data and facts. He will bend the truth to make himself look good. Don’t get sucked into his “alternative facts.”
7. Protect yourself. Save correspondence, keep diaries, timelines, receipts, everything you can. My friend adds, “The timeline helped me see the long history of abuse because in between events, I would get soft and start to become sucked in again. When you can look back on years of incidents, it’s an important reminder of the reality of the situation.”
There you go, a guide to getting out. Maybe you are
already working on your own plan. Maybe you think you need to stay for the “good” of the country. Maybe you are afraid of his “fire and fury” when you finally do. Whatever the reason, there is hope on the other side.
Be Best! Greg JUNE 2018 | RAGE monthly 45
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