RELATIONSHIPS
A personal example Both my parents worked long hours from very early on in my life. Even though they were very loving when they were around, over the years I missed out on some parental nurturing and emotional support. In order to cope I learnt to take care of myself from young age; I always got myself up, dressed, and fed before school, even walked myself to kindergarten at the age of 5. In a lot of ways this served me, but it also held me back; alone I was a functional adult, but in relationships I felt depleted and alone. I was often the one supporting the other, but since I didn’t trust anyone to be there for me I never allowed myself to be supported, emotionally or otherwise. This was until I got clear about the needs that I had shut off, and began to meet them myself and communicate them to my partner and other important people in my life. Helpful questions to identify our
needs – you may find it helpful to ask yourself: l What are the things missing in my intimate relationship(s)?
l What am I always left wanting more of?
l What do I feel like I am missing out on in my relationship, job, and/or life?
Step 2. Meeting our own needs It is important to remember that now that we are grown-ups, we have the ability to meet our own needs . We are not dependent on others to fill them all, like when we were little – nor is it reasonable to expect it. So if we didn’t get enough love and nurturing in our childhood (or enough encouragement, acceptance, protection etc.) it is up to us to start giving them to ourselves first. It helps to be really honest about where we are not giving ourselves what we need, sacrificing or belittling our needs, even making them wrong. Once you have identified the need,
you might want to ask yourself what would having it met actually look like in action. Be aware that your adult mind might try to rationalise the need away, so speak directly to your heart, the vulnerable part of you. The answers may surprise you! If it is protection or safety you need, it
could look like standing up for yourself more, or taking better care of your
finances. If you need more love and intimacy, it could look like making more time for friends and loved ones in your life, or doing more things that you love alone; a personal yoga practice or taking time to meditate or be intimate with yourself. If you need nurturing and caring, it could look like making sure you eat well, rest well, and generally improve your level of self- care. Remember that the answers will be individual. In close relationships we often look
for the thing we haven’t learnt to give ourselves. If we always end up feeling like we are not loved for who we are, then chances are we are not loving ourselves as who we are. If we feel unsupported by our partner or friends, the likelihood is there is a part of us that isn’t supporting ourselves, hence we look for it in others. Or if we are overly critical of ourselves, we will also be overly sensitive to criticism from others, and will easily interpret as criticism something that was not meant as such. Once we learn to meet our own needs and love ourselves the way we need to be loved, we stop having to constantly look for it outside of ourselves.
Know Thyself as Soul
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