just reacts, “I’m going there anyway,” and wraps me in a big bear hug, I end up melting. It softens me. That’s one option. The second option is to give the
pulling you out of the argument and giving new perspective. But what if the person you are
in conflict with says, “Don’t touch me!”? What can you do? There are two options. Option one is
to just go there anyway. So if I was in a fight with my partner and I was really upset or angry, and he went to hug me, my first reaction would be; “Don’t hug me. I don’t want to be touched.” I might try to maintain my stand. As humans, we’re attached to our
story. If he hugs me, it will be hard for me to hold onto my story. But if he
other person some more time. They may feel like they need to express themselves for a little longer before being touched. Or if you’re in the midst of extremely high conflict, one of the things that can be helpful is just to take some time out. This is because when you’re operating in this state you are likely to be experiencing what’s called emotional flooding; you’re so flooded with emotions running through your system that you really can’t think clearly. When you feel it has gotten to that stage, you can say, “OK, we need to take 10 or 15 or 20 minutes,” and agree on a time to come back. Then you will be much more able to connect with your partner. Touch may not be possible until you’ve
reached a point where you’ve separated and then come back together. But as soon as you can, touching will help to reconnect you and remind you of the bond between the two of you.
HUMOUR Laughter is an incredible tool for handling conflict and dissolving tension when emotions are running high. Bringing humour into the situation can immediately break up the tension. It gives each party a
//REACH OUT PHYSICALLY. IF TOUCH IS ALREADY AN APPROPRIATE ELEMENT OF YOUR EXISTING RELATIONSHIP, IT’S ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL AND EFFECTIVE TOOLS YOU HAVE IN YOUR TOOL-KIT. //
chance to gain some perspective, putting the quarrel into a larger context and jolting you both out of a defensive frame of mind. Seek opportunities during conflict
to bring some lighthearted humour into the situation. It can be particularly useful to use a private ‘in’ joke that the two of you have. However, it is important to ensure
that you are laughing with the other person, not at them. Both people involved need to be in on the joke, otherwise it can have the opposite effect and escalate the situation. Be aware that there is a fine line between being funny and being hurtful, so proceed with caution.
SHOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND Understanding the other party is the easiest way to make amends. They may not want to be touched, and they’re not always going to laugh, but understanding them is one of the most practical things you can do to dissolve the tension. It doesn’t mean that you have to
agree with them, but at least they hear that they’ve been understood. In conflict, the need to be understood is often what we are fighting for. We do not always necessarily need to be right or to win, we’re often simply fighting to be heard and have our perspective be seen. Even saying something like “I totally understand why you would feel like that,” works wonders. Even repeating back to them what they have said, for example “OK, I totally see why you’d feel like that because you’re in this position,” can dissolve the argument just like that.
VULNERABILITY If, during conflict, you can express yourself in a way that shows a barrier dropping, it can have an incredible and immediate effect. When two people are in disagreement, it can be easy to become selfish and forget
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