{air app aren t }
on. “We made these shirts with puffy paint and ripped them up so they were all shredded,” she says. “On the front they said ‘Little Shreddies’ and on the back we had nicknames with ‘air’ in them.” Her moniker: Mariah C-air-y. Back at the 9:30 Club, event judge
Craig Billmeier — a.k.a. 2006 and 2008 national champion “Hot Lixx Hulahan” — lays out the ground rules of the re- gional competition. “The scores are on the old Olympic
figure skating scale of 4.0 through 6.0,” he says, as guys with shaggy orange hair and tight white pants listen reverently. “The things the judges are told to look for are technical merit, stage presence — which is how well you use and abuse your surroundings — and the last final quality is air-ness.” Billmeier is in the midst of his expla-
nation when a costumed Kasten enters the room: His eyes are framed in Egyp- tian-style eyeliner, and a spiked choker circles his neck, while his gold and black Converse high-tops complement his Hot Topic black vest patterned with sparkling revolvers. “ ‘Air-ness.’ You can’t define it,”
Billmeier continues. “You just know it when you see it.” Tonight, Kasten shares the return-
ing title with fellow competitor and 2009 D.C. co-champion, 29-year-old Chris Paxton (“Sanjar the Destroyer”). As the eldest air guitar veteran, Kas- ten gets first pick for his spot in the 20-person lineup. He opts for 13. Pax- ton selects 15. “Let’s go four rounds tonight,” jokes
Paxton, a strawberry blond with shoul- der-length hair and a red shirt that reads “STD.” “I’ve got a lot of Red Bull and Geri-
tol,” Kasten shoots back. It’s after 10 p.m. when the old
man’s onstage moment arrives. “Please welcome your tied reigning D.C. cham- pion,” announces Crane, who has emceed U.S. Air Guitar events for the past four years. “The oldest living air guitarist. Mister Shred!” It’s obvious Kasten is a hometown fa-
vorite. The crowd chants “Shred! Shred! Shred!” Every premeditated move is on point. His pelvic thrust is perfectly timed to the Peas’ “and pump it” lyr- ics, while his fingerplay doesn’t miss a
beat when he turns his guitar 180-de- grees to play it upside down. The climax arrives when Kasten lifts the invisible strap from his neck, tosses the guitar in the air, does a 360-degree spin beneath it, catches it and then kicks it across the room, only to cradle it once more before plunging straight back into the furious chords of Van Halen’s “Somebody Get Me a Doctor.” At the track’s end, the “Shred!
Shred!” chorus continues, and the judg- es are gushing. “Ladies and gentleman, you are in the presence of greatness,” says judge Adam Liptak of the New York Times, who was one of the first
16 The WashingTon PosT Magazine | July 18, 2010
reporters to cover air guitar. “It’s like watching Picasso paint: 6.0.” Billmeier and 98 Rock deejay Matt
Davis follow suit with 6’s, too. Kasten alone has earned a perfect
score of 18.0, easily securing him a spot in the evening’s compulsory round, when the top scorers battle it out to an unrehearsed song of the judges’ choosing. The pressure is on, but Kasten, per-
forming last, isn’t concerned. He is, however, a little bummed. “I can’t put baby oil on the stage,” he says. He’d brought a bottle with the intention of squirting it on the floor to help him
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