askthetherapist
Effective Tools for Raising Adopted
Children
Q:
Dear Karen Kaye,
My husband and I are proud parents of a 3-year-old son who is sound like a “Victim-Saint” that the
adopted. Most of our friends are also “Adoptive Families”. Please tell child felt sorry for the birth mother and
us the issues we need to be aware of, in order to raise healthy children, wanted to save her.
emotionally and mentally. Thank you. My formula, Beth, in raising an
Sincerely, adopted child would be the same as for
Beth a birth child. Plan and prepare (with
your husband) for parenting, making
A:
Dear Beth, sure you are on the same page for the
Most of the adoptive care and discipline of your son. Evalu-
families I have worked with ate how you and your husband were
have had long periods of infertility, parented; use the “gems” of each of
and these parents were desperate for a your childhoods to help create your
baby. Sometimes through their des- own plan. Listen with an open heart;
peration, parents want to give their learn your son’s needs by watching and
children “everything”, to make up for listening to him. Know that it is OK to
their child’s tough beginnings, and in apologize when you realize you have
that process forget to discipline and set done something wrong, and correct it.
boundaries for their children. This can Finally, remember that children
have the opposite effect of the parent’s do not come with instructions; enjoy
intentions, leaving the child feeling learning through this magical journey.
insecure due to lack of a structured Only spoil him with love, attention,
environment. All children need bound- and affection and you will do fine.
aries in order to feel safe, knowing that Many Thanks,
someone is watching out for them and Karen Kaye, L.M.H.C.
cares enough about them to set rules.
Some of the families in my private or keeping secrets is good, especially Karen Kaye is a licensed thera-
practice told their children about their if the child is asking questions. This is pist, working with parents and their
adoption too late (i.e. pre-teen and teen an adopted child’s way of asking where children as one sub-specialty of her
years), which results in a form of betray- he came from, which results in creating holistic private practice of 25 years. If
al by the adoptive parents, leaving the self-identity. you would like to speak with her, call
child feeling that he has lived a lie. The Being “different” and not “fitting- 954.384.1217. See ad page 59.
sooner the parent introduces the topic, in” is a challenge for all children. In
easily and gently, with age-appropriate the case of an adopted child, though,
details, the more the child will view his the degree of sensitivity is sometimes
circumstances with a sense of accep- heightened. Therefore, if you are in the
tance. “Adopted” is then just one aspect mall and a stranger tells you your son
of his characteristics (like having brown looks just like you or your husband,
hair). please don’t feel you have the obliga-
Beth, as your child gets older, the tion to correct a complete stranger by
circumstances surrounding his adop- saying he is adopted; a gracious thank
tion can be given in more detail. Seek you is fine in that circumstance.
professional guidance for these types of In rare cases, the adopted parent
decisions. If, for example, your child’s competes with the birth parent, forc-
birth mother was drug addicted: this is ing the child to choose his loyalty. This
information to be offered to the child is unfair, like asking a child to choose
no later than the pre-teen stage, since between their left hand and right hand.
this can have a genetic predisposition. I In another case, the parents did such
do not believe withholding information a good job of making the birth mother
August 2009 45
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