San Diego Reader March 30, 2017 65
THE ORIGINAL
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LEAD STORY — French artist Abraham Poincheval told re- porters in February that in his upcoming “per- formance,” he will entomb himself for a week in a limestone boulder at a Paris museum and then, at the conclusion, sit on a dozen bird eggs un- til they hatch — “an inner journey,” he said, “to fi nd out what the world is.” (He apparently failed to learn that from previous eff orts, such as the two weeks he spent inside a stuff ed bear or his time on the Rhone River inside a giant corked bottle.) He told reporters the super-snug tomb has been thoroughly accessorized, providing for breathing, eating, heart monitor, and emergency phone — except, they noted, nothing on exactly how toileting will be handled.
The Job of the Researcher — A National Oceanic and Atmospheric Ad- ministration “bioacoustic research” team re- cently reported recording and listening to about 2 million underwater sounds made over a four- month period by various species of dolphins (“whistles,” echolocation “clicks,” and “burst pulses”) and can, they believe, distinguish the sounds to match them to a particular dolphin species (among the fi ve most prevalent) — with 84 percent accuracy. T e team built a computer algorithm to also make estimating dolphin pop- ulations much easier.
The Continuing Crisis — Oklahoma state Rep. Justin Humphrey, justi- fying his proposed bill to require a woman seek- ing an abortion to fi rst identify the father, told a reporter in February that the father’s permission
is crucial because, aſt er all, the woman is basi- cally a “host” who “invited that [fetus] in.” — Aſt er the North Dakota House of Represen- tatives voted yet again in January to retain the state’s Sunday-closing “blue laws,” Rep. Bernie Satrom explained to a reporter: “Spending time with your wife, your husband, making him breakfast, bringing it to him in bed” is better than going shopping. — T e ex-wife of deputy sheriff Corey King of Washington County, Georgia (largest town: Sandersville, pop. 5900), fi led a federal lawsuit in January against King aſt er he arrested her for the “crime” of making a snarky comment about him on Facebook (about his failure to bring the couple’s children their medicine). King al- legedly conspired with a friendly local magis- trate on the arrest, and though the prosecutor refused the case, King warned the ex-wife that he would still re-arrest her if she made “the mistake of going to Facebook with your little [excrement]
...to fuss about.”
Leading Economic Indicators — In a fi rst-person profi le for the Chicago Tri- bune in February, marketing consultant Peter Bender, 28, recalled how he worked to maxi- mize his knowledge of the products of company client Hanes — and not just the fl agship Hanes underwear but its Playtex and Maidenform brands. In an “empathy” exercise, Bender wore bras for three days (a sports bra, an underwire and a lacy one) — fi tted at size 34A (or “less than A,” he said). “T ese things are diffi cult,” he wrote on a company blog. “T e lacy one,” espe- cially, was “itchy.”
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News You Can Use — “Fecal transplants” (replacing a sick person’s gut bacteria with those of a healthier one) are now almost routine treatments for patients with violent abdominal attacks of C. diff bac- teria, but University of California researcher Chris Callewaert says the concept also works for people with particularly stinky armpits. Testing identical twins (one odoriferous, the other not), the researcher, controlling for diet and other variables, “cured” the smelly one by swabbing his pit daily with the sweat of the better-smelling twin. T e Callewaert team told a recent conference that they were working on a more “general” brew of bacteria that might help out anyone with sour armpits.
The Weirdo-American Community — Stephen Reed, the former mayor of Harris- burg, Pennsylvania, pleaded guilty on the eve of his January trial on corruption counts stem- ming from the approximately 10,000 items of “Wild West” and “Americana” artifacts worth around $8 million that he had bought with public funds during 28 years in offi ce. For some reason, he had a single-minded obses- sion with creating a local all-things-cowboy museum, and had purchased such items as a stagecoach, stagecoach harnesses, a “Billy the Kid” wanted poster, a wagon wheel, and a to- tem pole. Somehow, he explained, as he was leaving offi ce aſt er being voted out in 2009, the items he had purchased (theoretically, “on be- half of ” of Harrisburg) had migrated into his personal belongings.
by Chuck Shepherd © 2017
Entrepreneurial Spirit — Perhaps there are parents who (according to the Cinepolis movie chain) long to watch mov- ies in theaters while their children (aged three and up) frolic in front in a “jungle-gym” play- ground inside thesameauditorium. If so,the company’s two “junior” movie houses (which recently opened in San Diego and Los Angeles) may bring a new dimension to “family entertain- ment.” Another view, though, is that the noise (oſt en “screaming”), plus the overhead light- ingrequired forparents to monitortheir tykes’ equipment-usage, plus the planned $3-per-tick- et surcharge,will soon create (accordingtothe Guardian critic) a moviegoing “apocalypse.”
Can’t Possibly Be True — T e U.S. Patent and Trademark Offi ce in Jan- uary granted IBM’s 2010 application for a patent on “out-of-office” email message soſtware (even though such messages have, of course, been ubiquitous for two decades) aſter the company finally convinced examiners that its patent had enough soſt ware tweaks on it to qualify. (Crit- ics, such as the Electronic Frontier Foundation, laughed at the uselessness of the tweaks.) — Also in January, the office granted Daniel Dopps apatent for“adhesive vaginal lipstick,” which his Mensez Technologies claims can cause the labia minora to tighten so strongly as to re- tain menstrualfluid until thewoman candeal with buildup in privacy.
Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, San Di- ego Reader, P.O. Box 85803, San Diego, CA 92186 or to
WeirdNewsTips@Yahoo.com
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