THE HUMAN ERROR
being accepted and are more common than one thinks, because we all have them.
WHAT’S THE SECRET TO GOOD COMMUNICATION? Someone once said, “You have two ears, two eyes and one mouth. Use them in that order and that proportion. Steven Covey put it another way: “Seek first to
understand, then to be understood.” In other words, we should listen more and talk less.
LET’S START WITH SOME DON’TS Don’t debate. Have you ever tried to converse with someone who automatically contradicts what you are saying? It’s frustrating. Debating is a form of a filter that prevents the complete message from getting through. It almost ensures that the mental pictures are not going to match. Listen closely before forming an opinion or counter- argument, as Covey suggests.
1. Don’t detour. To detour is to change the subject being discussed. A lot of politicians do this at election time. Many women are also very good at this. Work on keeping the conversation on the topic being discussed.
2. Don’t pre-plan. The problem with pre-planning is that you are working on a response instead of listening to what is being said. The solution is to refer once again back to Covey’s advice.
3. Don’t tune out.We men seem to have been born with the “tune-out gene” and that can get us into a lot of trouble. There are five levels of listening with the last being the one to aim for.
1) Ignoring. This is useful when children are playing and you are watching a game on TV. Should the noise stop for any reason, that is your cue to investigate why the silence set in.
2) Pretending. Often used when the spouse is talking and you are thinking about the game. This is dangerous. You might later find out that you agreed to visit the in-laws, when that was the last thing on your mind. Reread Covey.
3) Selective listening. Hearing only certain words almost guarantees that the mental pictures won’t match. Seek first to understand.
4) Attentive listening. Now there is a good chance that the mental pictures will match, but it takes effort, as the mind has a tendency to want to slip back to one of the first three. Part of the reason for this is that we can speak up to about 125 words per minute but understand up to 600 words per minute. An idle mind will fill the gap.
5) Empathic listening. The highest level of listening that occurs when you are able to sense the emotions the speaker is feeling. These feelings might not even relate to the words being spoken. For example, you ask a fellow employee, “how’s it going?” and they reply “OK.” You sense right away that it’s not OK and find out that the person’s spouse has been diagnosed with cancer. Some people are very good at this (my mentor, Gisele, being one such person).
NOW FOR SOME VERY IMPORTANT DO’S
1. Covey’s “listen more and speak less” is an excellent start. Most of us are in too much of a rush to get our point of view across to hear what the other person has to say.
2. T.H.I.N.K. before you speak and ask yourself the following questions.
T – Is it True? Is what you are about to say completely true? If you’re not sure, don’t say it.
H – Is it Helpful? Hurtful words, once spoken, cannot be retracted and build filters to further detract from communication, whereas helpful words help break down filters and improve communication.
I – Is it Insightful? Is what you are about to say going to help in the other person’s understanding? If you are not sure, take the time to reword it until it is.
N – Is it Necessary? If it’s not, then why say it?
K – Is it Kind? This is important if we are to reduce the filters that exist today. An unkind word can develop a lasting filter that might have major repercussions at a later date.
Think what the world would be like if only everyone
would THINK before speaking and ensure that the answer is yes to each of the questions.
3. Ask questions. Someone might say they understand and you might think that they do, but it is your responsibility to be sure that the mental pictures match.
4. Paraphrase. Repeating the message shows that you understand. Always repeat a phone number or e-mail address as your brain can easily reverse two numbers or letters while you write them down (or at least my old brain does this). The number of numbers you would have to dial before getting the correct one can be in the millions.
5. Make eye contact. The eyes carry a lot of the body language. If you ask a child if they broke the vase on the floor and they look at the floor and refuse to look you in the eye while saying “no,” you can be quite sure that you are looking at the guilty party.
05 2015 18
DOMmagazine
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