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KISSED BY KINDNESS


by Emily Esfahani Smith P


sychologist Ty Tashiro reports in The Science of Happily Ever After that only three in 10 couples remain in healthy, happy marriages. Psychologist John Gottman, in New York City, has studied couples for four decades seeking to understand success- ful relationships. He and his psycholo- gist wife, Julie, founded The Gottman Institute that helps couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies. Using data from his Love Lab at


the University of Washington, John separated thousands of couples into two groups: masters (still happy after six years) and disasters (separated or chroni- cally unhappy in their marriages). One of Gottman’s studies watched


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130 newlywed vacationing couples and found that partners regularly made bids for connection, requesting responses from their mate. Choices to “turn to- ward” or “turn away” revealed the level of engagement and respect in the rela- tionship. Couples that divorced within six years had shown “turn toward” bids a third of the time while couples still together responded to their partner’s emotional need nine times out of 10. An integral element is the spirit couples bring to the relationship: kind- ness and generosity or contempt, criti- cism and hostility. “There’s a key habit of mind that the


masters have,” Gottman explains. “They are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and express thanks for. Disasters are scanning for partners’ mistakes.” People focused on criticizing


miss 50 percent of positive things their www.NaturalAwakeningsLI.com


partners are doing and see negativity when it’s absent. Deliberately ignoring their partner or responding minimally to opportunities for small moments of emotional connection devalues and kills a relationship. Kindness, conversely, glues cou-


ples together, making each partner feel cared for, understood, validated and loved. In a study published in the Pro- ceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers found that the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, creating upward spirals of love and generosity. Practicing kindness during a fight is vital. Letting contempt and aggres- sion spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage. “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express anger,” Julie explains, “But it informs how we choose to express it. You can either throw spears or explain why you’re hurt and angry, which is the kinder path.”


Kindness can also solidify the


backbone of a relationship by being generous about our partner’s intention and avoiding misinterpreting what’s motivating their behavior. “Even if it’s executed poorly, appreciate the intent,” Tashiro advises. Clearly, if we want to have a stable,


healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often and let a spirit of gener- osity guide happy years together.


Emily Esfahani Smith is the author of The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters. Connect at EmilyEsfahaniSmith. com or on Twitter @emesfahanismith.


Masson/Shutterstock.com


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