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CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 You don't like to feel as though someone else holds the key to your happiness. You’re more the take-charge-of-your-own- destiny-and-make-it-happen kind of person. And I get that, but as someone once said, “Norman is an island.” And that’s bad. Because Norman never let anyone in out of fear of being hurt, until one day Norman died alone. Oh, distrusting Capricorn, be less like Norman.

AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Do you ever get the feeling that your life is going round in circles? Well, contrary to popular belief, lots of cool things go round in circles. Like Catherine Wheels, stock cars, and record decks. Oh, inventive Aquarius, don’t get frustrated if it seems like you’re treading water. You know what else goes in circles? A stone in a sling. Maybe you’re just building momentum?

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Trust is easy to lose and much more difficult to regain. Oh, devoted Pisces. You may be with the one you love, but do you trust the one you’re with? Big hearted souls like yourselves often turn a blind eye in affairs of the heart, but sooner or later you can’t ignore it. It’s like Old Auntie Mann used to say, “Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it’s broke, but you’ll always see the cracks in that motherfucker’s reflection.”

worry, though, oh clever Gemini. Take stock of your gifts and put them to good use, and you’ll soon be back to your old intolerable, confident self.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Sometimes, losing an argument doesn't mean we've given in. Sometimes it means we’ve been soundly beaten with a logical and reasoned series of water-tight points. Tat’s not losing, that’s learning, and it’s a gift. I should know, I’m an astrologer, so I’m constantly bestowing the twin gifts of logic and reason upon my grateful followers.

ARIES MAR 21 - APR 19 Despite all the doom and gloom, despite the economic worries, the end of the world has not arrived. Yet. But that’s no reason not to take precautions, oh overly optimistic Aries. One doesn’t like to cause alarm, but next month my very well see Donald Trump in the White House, so it might be a good time to start stockpiling water and canned food, and making sharpened shitty sticks.

LIBRA SEP 23 - OCT 22 You don't look as if you're about to become a year older, nor need you have any reason to feel that way. But we all know you, oh, superficial Libra. Birthdays are less and less fun for you as the years stack up, but this shouldn’t be the case. You can’t change time, but you can treat yourself to something that makes you feel young again. So this month, just say fuck it, and do that..

LEO JUL 23 - AUG 22 No one is deliberately trying to give you a hard time. However, it can feel that way when you insist on acting like a total fuck- knuckle. I’m not saying that you are, but perhaps, oh melodramatic Leo, the next time someone is “giving you a hard time,” you might want to consider the possibility that they’re trying to do you a favour, you bell-end.

VIRGO AUG 23 - SEP 22 Why do other people seem to work in such strange and mysterious ways? Maybe they know something you don’t. In fact, oh inflexible Virgo, they almost certainly know something you don’t. As a wise man once said, “everyone I meet is my superior in some way, and in that way I can learn from them. Conversely, everyone I meet is my inferior in some way, and in that way they can kiss my arse.” Wise words.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20 Wouldn't it be nice if everyone greeted us with a smile? Well, no, not really, if you think about it. It’d be like living in a branch of McDonald’s, or in a children’s TV show. Ugh. People shouldn’t have to grin at you like idiots to make you feel good. Maybe if you smiled at them first, you stubborn tit, they’d smile back. Take the initiative.

GEMINI MAY 21 - JUN 20 Could a recent period of self-doubt be nature's way of compensating you for your awesome insight and talent? I doubt it. Nature doesn’t really do that. Maybe that recent period of self-doubt is down to you being a little bit rubbish lately. No

10 / October 2016/

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21 Back in my courting days, I used to venture into a night on the town in my 'lucky shirt'. When I hit the dance floor, collar-up and ready to freak, I made sure the stars aligned for some lucky lady. Of course when you can read auras like I can, luck hardly comes into it, but my point is, oh passionate Scorpio, that if you want to win you have to look the part. Tis month, image is key to confidence, and confidence is key to success.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21 Why have a small disagreement when you can have a big one? After all, if there’s one thing I’ve been trying to tell you for years now, oh unemotional, independent Sagittarius, it’s to be more emotional. And dependent. I don’t know what dependence has got to do with it, maybe that’s what the argument was about? Anyway, just agree to be more emotive, and less independent.


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