Out on DVD this month THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE
Umm. Right. A talking yellow cuboid, whose best friend is a butt- plug, works in a crab’s
clam making hamburgers to which the entire population of his habitat are chemically addicted. His nemesis is a single-celled organism bent on stealing the secret recipe for said patties. When the recipe is lost, everyone starts jonesing for the meat so bad that society breaks down. Also, there’s also a cock- nosed fella and a squirrel with tits. And all this happens underwater.
All things considered, I should probably have watched this during the day with some sort of child. I did not. I watched it at 01:00, alone, and half-squiffy on wine. Funny thing is; I enjoyed the piss out of it. Honestly.
By the time our porous protagonist and
– A SPONGE OUT OF WATER the plankton joined forces and built a time-machine from a photo-booth and sausages I was completely on-board, and when a hyper-evolved dolphin (voiced by the ever-welcome Matt Berry) propelled the sponge and his chums from his blow-hole onto land for a CGI/live-action final act I was hooting.
I could make some sensible noises about the post-modernity of its approach, the metafictional conceit of its execution, or how, in Freudian terms, the nice-but- dim Spongebob is the ego to Plankton’s uber-selfish id probably, but that’s not why I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it because it was utterly demented, relentlessly funny, and had a squirrel with tits in it.
So, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Smiley
August FILM RELEASES 06 August Fantastic FourAnother month, another reboot. Kate Mara (House of Cards) Jamie Bell (Billy Elliott), Miles Teller (Whiplash), and Michael B. Jordan (not from the NBA), star as the brave quantum quartet try to save 20th Century Fox from making another shitty superhero film and losing the rights to Marvel. Will they succeed..?
14 August Te Man from
U.N.C.L.EHow do you reboot a show in 2015 about two cold war agents from opposite sides forced to work together from the 60s? Easy – you set it in the cold war in the 1960s. It’s so simple-yet-effective, it reminds me of a story about astronauts and a pencil. Armie Hammer & Henry Cavill play the unlikely bro-skis.
21 August VacationReboot of…oh fucking hell, is nothing sacred? How can you have a ‘Vacation’ movie without Chevy Chase? Why don’t they just get someone funny to play a grown up Rusty and have Chase back as the Grandfather of the… oh, he is back? Oh, they have? Oh. Well, good. I might just have to watch it then.
28 August TrainwreckJudd Apatow directs, and Amy Schumer writes and stars in her first movie; a comedy about a commitment phobic career woman. As fans of her TV show will testify, she’s very funny. Will her comedic style work on the big screen? I really hope so. Smiley
August DVD RELEASES 03 August Insurgent It’s easy to dismiss the Divergent trilogy as Hunger-Games-Lite, but it has a good heart, a classic Sci-Fi ethos, and a lot to say. Admittedly, to these seasoned eyes it’s metaphors are a little on-the-nose, but its target audience is teenagers, and they are, by and large, as thick as pig-shit and wouldn’t recognise a laboured metaphor if it pissed in their cereal. Wholesome stuff.
10 August Run All NightYet another formulaic Liam Neeson vehicle named after a failed energy drink. Full of clunking dialogue and wanking great revenge/redemption clichés that leave you wondering why Neeson, who we all know is a fine actor and a charismatic presence, hasn’t tortured his agent to death yet.
17 August Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2Talking of terrible vehicles, here we have a further outing for the Segway-straining shopping clart. Simultaneously shop-soiled and second-hand, but if you paid good money to sit through the first, you deserve this witless, cynical fart of a film.
24 August Cinderella I was kinda hoping that director Kenneth Branagh’s Disney- backed retelling of the classic tale might provide something of a companion piece to the ambitious, quasi-feminist brilliance of Frozen. Well, it’s certainly ambitious, and it’s beautiful to look at, but it’s a little too true-to-source to be truly interesting or, indeed, inspiring. I’m hardly the target audience, though. Jay Freeman
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