AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 'In the beginning was the Word...' Well... Everybody's heard, about the word. Word word word, word is the word. Word word word, word is the word. Well everybody's heard, about the word. Word word word, word is the word. Everybody's heard, about the word. Word word word, word is the word. Everybody's heard, about the word. Word word word, word is the word. Don't you know, about the word? Well everybody's heard, about the word. Word. Your lucky dog is Toby the Puppet
PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Can you remember, in your childhood, finding some comment or situation funny? Yes? Was it about you? No? Surprise, surprise. Oh, oversensitive Pisces, being the butt of the joke doesn't make you an arse - taking yourself too seriously does. Laugh, and the world laughs with you; show the world that you can't take a joke, and the world won't stop. It'll carry on. Behind your back. Twice as hard. Your lucky Puppet is Muppet
ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 Tere are times when even the strongest feel weak and the most loquacious fall silent. Tese can be happy times, like when one is in the presence of unimaginable beauty, or dark times, like when one is struck dumb by a gastric catastrophe. Oh, self-involved Aries, if you notice a friend fall silent this month, pay heed. You may be missing something wonderful. Your lucky muppet is Fozzie Bear.
looking at it all the time? It can’t talk, let alone watch ITV3. Oh, self-absorbed Cancer, she wasn’t only in ‘Te Darling Buds of May’, you know. She’s also really good in ‘Call the Midwife’. Your lucky toe is wee wee wee, all the way home.
VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 Have you got a mission, a purpose, a plan? No? Well welcome to the party. Oh, observant Virgo, this month, your strength lays in flying by the seat of your pants and constantly revaluating the situation one flap of your bum-wings at a time. But make sure you don't destroy your undercarriage upon landing, and always return your seat to its upright position. Your lucky mobile is available in-store now at the Carphone Shithouse
LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 Few and far between are the palaces fit for a princess and castles for a queen. Tat little sixth-form poetry platitude is right up your alley, isn’t it, oh pretentious Leo. I can imagine Sting hooting it at a roomful of rapt women from behind a big lute or from underneath a medieval bell or somesuch. Well, as old Auntie Mann is wont to say, “pretty words do not truths make, and witty turds do not truths wake.” Your lucky home is mobile
LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 A bit of ‘quid pro quo’ makes the world go round. One hand shaking another, many hands make light work, keys in the bowl... No? Just me then. Oh, hospitable Libra, your ability to see the value in helping people is one of your most admirable traits, but make sure that the ‘pro quo’ follows the ‘quid’. As my old Uncle Mann says, “Some people are deserving of our time and effort, and some people are just cunts. Fuck 'em.” Your lucky shithouse is the French squatter
SCORPIOOCT 23 - NOV 21 'If you expect the worst,' say some, 'at least you will be ready for it when it happens.' Well these people are not Scorpios, because that's
TAURUSAPR 20 - MAY 20 'Te way you wear your hat, the way you sip your tea...' So sang Fred Astaire to Ginger Rogers on a foggy deck. However, few people realise that Gershwin’s original lyrics, far from the hugely successful paean to romantic attraction we have come to know and love, were ‘the way you gobble my kipper, the way you shit in my slipper…’ and were not about Ginger Rogers, but were about his ginger tom Captain Fishface. Te moral is, oh stubborn Taurus, if it ain’t working, fix it. Your lucky bear is Boo-Boo.
GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 22 Whenever any of us are placed on the defensive, we find ourselves mysteriously compelled to start defending things that really don't need any defence. Oh, impulsive Gemini, if you start defending things that don’t need defending, you may find that people get defensive because of your defensive attitude. Ten they get offensive – and don’t get me started on offensive. Whenever any of us are placed on the offensive, we find ourselves mysteriously… Your lucky boo-boo is the stubbed toe.
CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Take care not to linger too long when you look in the mirror this month. “Mirror mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” you’d ask. And the mirror would answer, “Pam. Pam Ferris. Pam Ferris is the Ferris of them all!” Not really, so why are you
10 / August 2015/
outlineonline.co.uk
not what you say, is it? Hell no! Oh, resourceful Scorpio, there's nothing wrong with a backup plan, but faint heart ne’er won fair maiden. Life is not a spectator sport, so get on the pitch, bitch. Your lucky French squatter is Toulouse Lautrec
SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 Tere are several variations of an old joke in which one person complains of a headache and another offers to help. Well, you're my fucking headache, Sagittarius, and I’m getting fed up of you not wanting my help. Is it me? Do you get some perverse thrill out of not listening to what's good for you? Well this is it - I'm tired of your shit. You are too unemotional and too independent. It's bad, it's no joke, and pretty soon you'll have no one to complain to. Be more emotional and dependant. Your lucky Lautrec is la star
CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20 Life is mainly comprised of six chemical elements. Well, there was another famous Capricorn for whom life was composed of six chemical elements, wasn’t there. Praise him. Tat’s right, David Bowie. “You know what, Tony Visconti,” he was heard to say during his Berlin period; “life is composed of carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, and sulfur.” “What?” Visconti would reply, “Even life on Mars, David Bowie?” And Bowie would retort, “Shut up Visconti, you twat.” Be more like Bowie. faced rock gargoyle Mick Jagger joined in. Be more like Bowie. Your lucky star is dog
BY DR E. MANN
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