Multitasking Has No Place in Beautiful Sex: Mindfulness for Partners
By Krista Haapala T
he work I do with all my clients is based on the newest re- search in various fields, including sexology, psychology and medicine. I enjoy seeing the results of controlled experiments. It lends a clear perspective to issues and scenarios that are often anything but clear. I am an enthusiastic supporter of research, espe- cially about the long and continually neglected subject of sexual ex- perience. There is one subject, however, that I feel the research has shed enough light on to warrant a consistent, specific response from sexuality helping professionals: cognitive distraction during sex.
The experience that people are thinking about things other than having sex while they are having sex is epidemic. This phenomenon is not new, but has risen to the level of ubiquity in research. Differ- ent researchers have made divergent discoveries while focusing on various age groups, genders and relationship statuses. One theme that has arisen is the idea that women tend to be more focused on body image in their cognitive distraction. While men tend to be more focused on performance.
This type of information can assist professionals in being prepared for the types of cognitive distractions people may experience. However, it is important to allow for each individual to bring their own experience to coaching or therapy and not make assumptions based on research results when considering skill-building or other interventions.
The operative theme this research illuminates for me in light of my practice is the common experience of being distracted during sex, regardless of gender. Examining that phenomenon and its impact on sexual satisfaction has become a significant area for intervention within my practice. What I have found profound is less about what a person is preoccupied with and more about the state of being preoccupied itself.
16 Essential Living Maine ~ May/June 2015
Certainly, addressing the core of the concern that leads to the preoccupation can be useful in alleviating the distraction. But simply the state of being distracted and distractible is a habit pat- tern strongly reinforced by the culture in which many of us live and often thrive. The singularity of focus our culture trains us to eschew is exactly the necessary condition for exceptionally satisfactory sex.
Wonderfully, that is a common goal for every client: exceptionally satisfactory sex…even life-changing sex! Beautiful sex is an experi- ence we all deserve. On the path to beautiful sex, the first gateway is tuning into your desires and your sensual experience. I often use the term mindful sex. Mindful sex is essential in supporting a sat- isfactory experience. If you aren’t even fully present in mind, body and spirit, how can you savor the nuance each of your senses bring to awareness?
Indeed, affording yourself singularity of focus on your sexual expe- riences allows you to embrace the fullness of being. The delight, the depth, the ecstasy and even the challenges are all an integral part of reveling in beautiful sex. Only in truly tuning into your experi- ence and response can you push your edge and continue to create satisfaction as an ever-evolving person.
In my practice, I have observed diverse and effective strategies work for many people. Of those, I have gathered applicable wisdom as first steps toward more mindful sexual experiences.
• Breathe. Connecting with your breath is a simple and efficient method for reminding yourself that you have a body and are a part of a constant flow of energy…in and out always with con- sciousness. Feeling your breath. Playing with it. Experimenting with nose breathing or mouth breathing, deep breathing or shal- low breathing all gives you feedback. Even that experimenting can begin your sensual experience.
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