A LADY AT LEISURE
‘This is something of a dilemma. It is meant to be quite a smart dinner party and we hope to if not actually impress then at least not poison anyone’
A lady at leisure T
WORDS FIONA ARMSTRONG ILLUSTRATION BOB DEWAR
he chief is an alpha male. He is blood group O, which means he is descended from hunter gatherers. In other words, he
is a MacGregor and certainly not a quiche man – which I discovered early on in our marriage when I baked a goat’s cheese, thyme and onion marmalade galette. No, a true clansman likes his meat, and with Bannockburn celebrations looming, we plan a dinner party for chiefs and clanspeople from various parts of the world. I decide on a few Scottish touches, including,
at vast expense, a large fillet of Highland beef. It should be served more red than pink. It should also melt in the mouth. Among those staying with us are dear friends from South Africa and, as the husband is well used to throwing half an ostrich or antelope on the grill, I suggest he might well be the man to advise on how we should cook said piece of meat. The MacGregor pulls himself up to his full
six foot one and looks me sternly in the face: ‘No. This is my house and my beef. I will cook
it.’ My daughter and I are speechless (she has kindly returned from university to help out at this epic evening). This is the man who doesn’t even know where the saucepans live – and suddenly he’s Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, catching his quarry and roasting it on the fire. It must be a macho thing: like the one time
in the year when husbands around the country don a summertime pinny to bluster and bravely blacken sausages and chicken on the barbecue. The chief is in full flight now and sharpening his great-grandfather’s silver-handled carving knife on a stone. ‘I will also make the gravy,’ he declares firmly. ‘You two can peel the potatoes and cook the vegetables.’ I remind myself that the world’s best chefs
are male. But this is something of a dilemma. It is meant to be quite a smart dinner party and we hope to if not actually impress then at least not poison anyone. I tactfully suggest his talents might be better served elsewhere. Who will make the James Bond cocktails and provide the charming pre-dinner chit-chat if he is slaving, hot and sweaty, over the kitchen stove? He considers this for a while before it is
decided. He will weigh the beef. He will also sear it on the top of the Aga. He will place it in the trusty roasting pan. He will then carefully put the thing in the oven and time it. But he will leave the gravy and the other irritating bits to us. With great relief my darling daughter makes a start on the pommes dauphinoise, while I set to chopping carrots. Meat is such a man thing. The only woman I
ever met who really understood it was the late, great Clarissa Dickson-Wright – and that was because she was a hunting, fishing, shooting gal. With all due respect to other wonderful lady cooks – and there are many of them – you can fiddle around with cuts of chicken and pieces of pork, but a great slab of venison needs a male hand. Which is why I am happy to tell you that the party was a screaming success. They stayed in the dining room until the wee small hours, and the beef was perfect.
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A man who avoids the kitchen all year round will very often suddenly rediscover an innate affinity with the barbecue tongs when there’s a slab of beef to be cooked
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