Jen Fitton answers readers’ problems Dear Jen
My daughter is almost 16, and has shown little inclination to find herself any part-time work. We’re trying to instil in her a sense of financial responsibility as she becomes more independent but she needs constant reminders that she has been asked to do a job so we can’t forget we’ve asked her and rely on it being done. This is very different from how she used to be as she was always so reliable but now she’s become a bit of an airhead and is not looking at the wider impact of her actions. I have a demanding full-time job and my hus- band is self employed and has a lot of work constantly on the go; preparing to go away recently, my daughter had promised to help my husband clean our holiday cottage for a visitor who would be coming in whilst we were away; however she slow timed him so much that he ended up going to the cottage on his own with a five hour clean ahead of him, instead of having an extra pair of hands. He felt very let down and it de- stroyed the trust that he had put in her that she could be relied upon to fulfil a promise in a work environment.
Struggling Mum
Dear Struggling Mum Thank you for your letter; I’m sure that
many Review readers will be sympa- thising with you - particularly those who are also battling through their chil- dren’s teenage years. Many parents just want to be friends with their teenage children and try to avoid confrontation in the hope that they will be reasonable and responsi- ble with a good conscience; but teen- agers have their own agenda and are constantly experimenting to find their own individuality. I’m wondering if this divergence is at the heart of why your daughter has become so unreliable and “a bit of an airhead?” She seems to be testing ways to gain her independence, but whenever you or your husband al- low her to behave in an unacceptable way, she is given control when she is probably looking for boundaries and guidance. Your daughter was challenging your husband’s authority to see what she could get away with, and had no con- science about letting him down or that he was missing paid work. By walking away and doing the work himself rath- er than being assertive and giving your
daughter an ultimatum, your husband allowed her to be in charge of the sit- uation. This gave her the message that no matter what promises she makes or how much people are relying on her, she can please herself and there will be no consequences. Your daughter needs to understand how annoyed you feel and explain to you why she had no con- science about reneging on her promise. I feel that you and your husband need to have a serious talk about her atti- tude, tell her what is expected of her at sixteen, set some firm guidelines, and be prepared to withhold pocket money or cancel treats and privileges when she lapses into childlike manipulation or abuses your trust. If she used to be helpful and reliable, then maybe you have not noticed her gradually push- ing the boundaries and testing what she can get away with. It is a natural, healthy process, but can be infuriating for parents who feel that they have always been fair and undemanding. However, your daughter needs to take responsibility, and spoiling her will not do her any favours.
Good luck Jen
If you have a problem that you would like me to discuss in Dear Jen, please send an email to
jen.womantowoman@virgin.net
All letters are treated in confi dence. Real names will not be published.
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