Outsmarted JOKES CROSSWORD ACADEMY AWARDS
HA VE Y O U BEEN
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CHICKPEA AND A LENTIL? I WOULDN'T PAY £200 TO HAVE A LENTIL ON MY FACE.
I WATCHED CURLING FOR A FEW HOURS TODAY AND I MUST SAY I FOUND IT VERY BORING.
PLUS THE WOMEN KEPT GIVING ME FUNNY LOOKS THROUGH THE HAIRDRESSERS WINDOW.
MY WIFE STARTED HER JOB ON A CRUISE SHIP LAST WEEK.
MY MATE ASKED, "HOW'S SHE GETTING ON?"
I REPLIED, "I'M NOT SURE, I THINK THEY USE A CRANE."
Across 3 It's the first Academy Award nomination for the British lead actor in '12 Years a Slave', Chiwetel (7)
8 Much-loved actors, Coogan and Dench collaborate in this Academy Award nominated Brit-flick(9)
9 Tis American Psycho takes the lead as Rosenfeld in 'American Hustle' (4)
10 See 17 across (7) 12 Director of 'Blue Jasmine' (5,5) 15 'Te Broken Circle Breakdown' has been nominated for Best Foreign Language Film, but what's the nationality? (7)
17 and 10 across. Te star still holding the highest number of awards for Best Actress (7)
18 Pirates from which country provided the storyline for 'Captain Phillips'? (7)
Down 1 Tis Steve - not the actor - has directed three feature films, all starring Michael Fassbender, and one nominated this year (7)
2 Which Geoffrey stars in film adaptation of the Second World War book of the same name, 'Te Book Tief'? (4)
4 Colloquial name for the Academy Awards (6)
5 Te negative bedfellow of the Academy Awards - the common name for the 'Worst' awards, which Ashton Kutcher holds many of (7)
6 Disney's offering for the Best Animated Feature Film this year (6)
7 Spike Jonze directs this film in which Joaquin Phoenix has tender feelings for his tech(3)
11 Leonardo DiCaprio portrays which Jordan, convicted fraudster in 'Te Wolf of Wall St' (7)
13 Daniel Day Lewis walked away with Best Actor award last year for what film? (7)
14 Bullock and Clooney betray Newton's discovery in this intergalactic epic (7)
16 Jared takes 30 seconds away from his music career to star in 'Dallas Buyers Club' (4)
I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE OPENING CEREMONY OF THE WINTER OLYMPICS FOR DOING A FANTASTIC JOB.
ESPECIALLY THE GUY WHO
MANAGED TO CONVINCE VLADIMIR PUTIN THAT HE HAD FOUND 2,000 MALE DANCERS AND FIGURE
SKATERS WHO DON'T TAKE IT UP THE BUM.
I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT OF HAVING A COCK AS LONG AS A 2-LITRE BOTTLE OF ORANGE SODA, AND JUST AS WIDE.
FANTA SIZED, ACTUALLY.
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