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%^&&* or else face %$^&*%%$ your %$^&*&^ %%$^ on your own for the rest of your life, for fuck’s sake. Lucky Day: March 9th

AQUARIUSJan 20 - Feb 18 Our imaginations can take us, in seconds, from Brisbane to Borneo and back via Bangor. Beware though, Aquarius that yours doesn’t run away with you when telling your tall tales down t’pub. Your inventive nature is one of your many strengths, but no one likes a shit-spout. Lucky day: March 6th

ARIESMar 21 - Apr 19 Someone wants to tell you something and you, in turn, are the keeper of information that is better expressed than repressed. More eloquently put, be careful the weed of gossip doesn’t choke the flower of friendship. Oh, impulsive Aries, you think you know best but before you get involved, heed my advice - If you’re not supposed to know, keep it on the down low. Lucky Day: March 4th

TAURUSApr 20 - May 20 It is not just politicians who will say almost anything to anyone if it seems to suit their purpose. Prostitutes and spies are also proficient liars and whilst you may have a silver tongue, I don’t see an Aston Martin on your driveway. Oh, Taurus, if you only say what people want to hear, this makes you a whore. Or David Cameron. You decide what’s worse.Lucky Day: March 16th

GEMINIMay 21 - Jun 22 A watched pot never boils - or so they say. Well, “they” talk a load of “shit”, and “I” say that there is nothing wrong with keeping a close eye on something you care about. Remember though, oh restless Gemini, patience is a virtue and just because you are watching something doesn’t mean it will happen quicker. Lucky Day: March 27th

CANCERJun 21 - Jul 22 Our language is full of taboo words and unacceptable phrases. I personally take joy in a florid flow of freeform filth; others take offence. Oh Cancer, oversensitivity about expression will rob you of the freedom this can enable. To put it another way, wipe your %$&^^% tears with your %£$^&£ $%$% and grow some

10 / March 2014/ PISCES

LEOJul 23 - Aug 22 Why keep doing what you have always done? Two schools of thought exist; if it’s not broken don’t fix it, and something about flogging a dead horse. Which one applies to you? Te second one, obviously. Why? Well, happy people don’t search for hope in Horrorscopes. Now calm down and don’t stop reading; luckily Dr E. Mann is also here to dispense worldly advice. Try something different this month. You might like it. Lucky Day: March 25th

Feb 19 - Mar 20 You are now like someone who has just run a marathon; you’re sweaty, exhausted and close to vomiting. Remember, oh lazy Pisces, that to win the race of life you must be prepared. Take your training seriously, or you could end up having to do a poo in the road.Lucky Day: 27th March

VIRGOAug 23 - Sep 22 What do you believe in? Ghosts? UFOs? Of course not - you are a sceptical Virgo. Now there’s nothing wrong with not being a mug, but keeping your feet on the ground this firmly may feel a little like wearing concrete boots. When everyone else around you has their head in the clouds, looking up to see what’s going on won’t hurt – even if only to move out of other people’s way when they fall. Lucky Day: March 22nd

LIBRASep 23 - Oct 22 Your strength is being sapped. Oh, Libra, I know you love to be loved, but if you spread yourself too thin, you’ll not please all the people all the time by cutting your nose off to spite your face, and making a rod for your own back, while performing a fool’s errand. Too much love will kill you. Stand by your man. Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington. Lucky day: March 13th

SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21 It is never a good idea to push your luck. Or people down stairs. Or drugs. Or me (‘cuz I’m close to the edge.) Instead push the boat out. Or boundaries. Or the

envelope. Or it. P-push it real good. Peace. Lucky Day: March 3rd

SAGITTARIUSNov 22 - Dec 21 You have not swapped optimism for pessimism, merely idle fancy for realism. But that’s you all over, isn’t it, oh unemotional and independent Sagittarius, always being emotionally detached and independent. Try instead swapping your unemotionality for emotionality. And your independence for dependence. Lucky Day: March 19th

CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan20 We all have strong ideas about how things are supposed to be. But there was another famous Capricorn who had strong ideas about how things are supposed to be, wasn’t there? Praise him. Yes, Elvis certainly called a spade a spade, but it was a less enlightened time so, whilst I’d never condone such language, he can be forgiven.Lucky Day: March 12th


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