CANCERJun 21 - Jul 22 Do you want to have it all? Freddie Mercury did. He sang about it. And then he got it. All. And look where that got him. Oh, self-pitying Cancer, we know you’re under pressure and that you want to break free but too much love can kill you.
Flash.Lucky Day: 17th January
AQUARIUSJan 20 - Feb 18 Te world is full of people who seem happy to settle for second- best. Well, fuck those guys, Aquarius. Not you, sunshine. It may take a little time and patience but the gold is just around the corner. Remember: Faint heart ne’er won fair maiden. Tat works for girls too, but substitute “maiden” for “man”, or whatever. I’m not sure about gays, though. Lucky day: 23rd January
PISCESFeb 19 - Mar 20 Stress isn't over yet. Te decorations are coming down and there are resolutions to keep. No more cake for you - it’s diet time. Don’t just leave that ill-considered gift - get a refund. And while you’re at it, do something about that stain. You know the one. Oh, lazy Pisces, the party’s over. It’s time to pay the DJ. Lucky Day: 19th January
LEOJul 23 - Aug 22 You can come further in or go further out. Tis is typical of you, oh Leo, getting in the way just to get attention. Have the confidence to join the party. I know that you have to make an entrance, but as Malcolm Tucker once said “come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off.” Spend too long about it and you may just find people give less of a shit either way than you would like to think. Lucky Day: 9th January
CAPRICORN
Dec 22 - Jan20 Tings are not working out quite the way you thought they would. But there’s another famous Capricorn for whom things didn’t work out quite the way he thought they would, isn’t there. Praise be. Tat’s right: Elvis. He could’ve OWNED Las
Vegas, but instead he died for us. On a toilet. With a big
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 19 When we allow ourselves to love someone, we allow ourselves to become a little vulnerable. And that’s fine in moderation but, while being open is great, you’re not a Tesco Metro. Shut your doors to the public every now and then and you’ll have fewer clean-ups on aisle be-gone. Lucky Day: 3rd January
chalky poo hanging out his bum. Rock ‘n’ roll with the punches. Lucky Day: 27th January
VIRGOAug 23 - Sep 22 Tere seems to be a lot at stake. However, appearances can be deceptive and you, oh fussy Virgo, wouldn’t know high stakes if you were wearing a sirloin hat. It’s just not that important. “Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.” George Carlin said that. He wasn’t a Virgo though, he was a Taurus. But that’s not important
either.Lucky Day: 1st January
LIBRASep 23 - Oct 22 Like little grains of sand on some enormous beach, we humans dwell in our billions on the surface of this planet. We get thrown together by the tides of time, worn smooth by the friction of friendship and sometimes we even get into someone’s pants. Steady as she goes, oh superficial Libra, lest you become trapped under the foreskin of vanity’s cosmic nob. Lucky day: 11th January
SCORPIO Oct 23 - Nov 21
TAURUSApr 20 - May 20 Tomorrow is going to come. But unless you get your lazy face up, you’re going to miss it. Oh, slothful Taurus, sometimes a lie-in is deserved. However, if your lie-ins regularly end when it’s dark you may just find yourself being craned out of your bed through a hole in the wall. Remember: you’ve gotta get up to get down. Lucky Day: 14th January
GEMINIMay 21 - Jun 22 How many stars are in the sky? If you looked up and started counting, stop. You are a fool, Gemini, and as energetic as you are, some things shouldn’t be quantified as much as simply admired. As Bruce Lee once said, “it is like a finger pointing to the moon. Don’t concentrate on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly glory.” Wallop. Lucky Day: 25th January
If you want to ensure that your emotional and personal life is as fulfilling as possible, you can't necessarily trust what you think but you can undoubtedly afford to have faith in what you feel. You gotta have faith. George Michael did. He sang about it. And he had it. Exercise caution though, Scorpio, as he did also try to suck off a copper and then ploughed his motor into a Happysnaps. Wham! Lucky Day: 22nd January
SAGITTARIUSNov 22 - Dec 21 Don't make promises to yourself that you probably can't keep because, if there is one thing worse than being let down by something or someone, it is being let down by yourself. Oh, independent, unemotional Sagittarius, don’t be let down by your independence and unemotionality. Be more dependant. And emotional. Lucky Day: 31st January
10 / January 2014/
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