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might get mocked by a few schoolchildren and a particularly scathing marmoset but think of how cool you’re going to look when you’re on your monthly lad’s night out. Like a boss. Lucky Day: October 30th


CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Still single? Get used to it. Even when a proper DULF (dad you’d like to finger) moves in down the road your rather rapey attempts to seduce him don’t succeed. Timing your outings to coincide with his trips to the park is pretty weird but dressing yourself like a toddler and screaming for him to push you on the swings is Britney-nuts! Lucky Day: October 15th


AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 Wow, can’t remember the last time you cracked a smile or looked even mildly enthused about anything that didn’t involve two-hundred grams of fat. Get ready to practically spaff


yourself when you see the new Emperor-size Penguin down the biscuit aisle. Oooooh yes, you’ll be stockpiling enough of those bad boys


to make people want to throw up as violently as a bulimic in a china shop. Lucky day: October 3rd


PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Halloween is around


the corner and you are more dedicated than most to scare the crap out of the neighbours and set about inserting C-4 explosives into all of their pumpkins. Trick or trea….BANG!! Tat’s another kid that isn’t going to be round asking for a party size Mars bar when you’re trying to watch Maggie Smith shake her shit on Downton Abbey. Win. Lucky Day: October 31st


ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 Just started up at the UEA? I suppose you’ve got a little houseplant and a poster of Shakira’s she-wolf to brighten up the beige walls of your room but fresher’s week will have taken a severe toll on your liver and dignity. You’ve ingratiated yourself to your housemates by leaving several ‘gifts’ in the communal microwave and managed to be blacklisted by the fire service for excessive use of a glow stick. Top marks. Lucky Day: October 24th


TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Your partner has tried variousmethods to stave offpopping the big question to you. No, not the “where is that smell coming from?” query, the one that results in your non- existent sex-life becoming even less existent. Tis month they thought they’d get you a kitten (if you can’t act surprised try pulling your ‘O’-face, it’s similar) unfortunately they weren’t banking on you becoming so obsessed with moggies that you get to the point where liken cleaning the cat tray to panning for gold.Lucky Day: October 17th


GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Hmm looks like the sag has set in and you’re gonna have to be fitted for one of Ikea’s garden gazebos to prevent any serious niplash from affecting your power walk to work. You


10 / October 2013/outlineonline.co.uk


LEOJul 24 - Aug 23 Tat smug shite you live with certainly knows how to push your buttons; beating you at cluedo, forgetting to lock the house, leaving pubes in the sink. Try subbing dettol wipes for the wet wipes they like to clog the drains with and switch their toothpaste for Polyfilla. “Ha, ha, smile at me now Grandma!” Lucky Day: October 1st


VIRGOAug 24 - Sep 23 By the hairy follicles of Homer’s nadsack it seems the Greek God Herpes has galloped into town on his trusty steeds Gena & Talia and blessed you with his wares. I fear the East European merchants Flange-itch and Blotchycrotchy may be bothering you on a daily basis but fret ye not Crema de Sooth is on hand to visit the southern hemisphere to quench the furious fires of ones loin lumps. Lucky Day: October 22nd


SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 So, drowning your iPhone because you updated to iOS 7 didn’t prove the best use of your weekend but that’s OK because you can drown your own sorrows in 10 crates of Red Stripe while watching Marty McFly piss about with the space-time continuum. Beware the risky trump when harbouring a beer-iod, the consequences could be disastrous! Lucky Day: October 13th


SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 With October’s upcoming ‘National Coming Out Day’ there has never been a better time to get over your agoraphobia. Te last time you left your bungalow the Vengaboys were still on their way


to Ibiza, Simon Cowell was considered a threat to humanity and half of the cast of Coronation Street weren’t sex offenders. “Allegedly”Lucky Day: October 29th


CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Woah, I’ve heard of lazy eyes and vicious overbites but your perpendicular peepers and gnarly gnashers take the proverbial Seabiscuit. You’d make a bloody good linesperson or tin-opener but your dreams of being an escort look to be ambitious. You better hope the population of zoophiles in Norwich increases, or you’ll be on the scrapheap like poor Marigold.Lucky Day: October 6th


LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 Te success of Dappy’s stint at Oxfam


has caused many a ‘celebrity’ to chip in at their local stores; Gazza is behind the bar at Wetherspoons, Hugh Grant is filling tarts at Tesco and Ainsley Harriott is giving his meat a good old rub at Morrison’s deli counter. However, when you get short changed by Anthony Worral Tompsonin Paperchase the stationary-based wrath you wield means the little ginger fuckmunch won’t look at a ring binder the same again. Lucky day: October 12th


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