Guest Writers in Wine Country I by Guest Columnist Ellie Schmidt


t's all about the language of flowers, the birds and the bees, and all that. But, be assured there really is something special in the air and water here that makes the gardens more than gorgeous. Why, they're downright sexy. Oh and they are that in Santa Rosa! In fact, the very secret that escaped that fellow in Florida searching for the Fountain of Youth may be found right here in the beautiful gardens of Santa Rosa, now in brilliant bloom everywhere you look. How, you may ask? All right, I realize that not everyone had the unusual privilege of growing up with six uncles and an aunt on my mom's side, and five aunts and one uncle on my dad's. And that was in the middle of Manhattan, New York City, not Kansas. I only got close to grass and pigeons when vari- ous combinations of all the above folks, pretty soon with spouses and kids, took me to Central Park!


The years fly by, my young friends, and I am left with only one dear old aun- tie, age 94, who still lives in her rent-controlled apart- ment in Yonkers, NY, with a round-the-clock caregiver, of course. The problem is I have to call her now and then and that spells trouble. Her mind is, as a friend of mine paints it picturesquely, "sharp as a pencil point" even though her tiny body is like a crumpled leaf in our Santa Rosa gar- den. Her hearing is just fine, unlike her caregiver's. The problem revolves around her use of English, it is a pure Yonkers/Bronx unadulterated dialect, hardly understandable by Manhattanites and roundly disparaged by the rest of the


that, auntie?" I had to hold the phone far from my ear when she said she had to yell to tell her companion what was growing.


It came


American population. Plainly, some things are boldly misun- derstood.


During our conversation


yesterday, auntie demanded a full description of what we've done in our garden. It is not advisable to be impatient with older folks. Instead of keeping it to "big balloon-type flow- ers," I slipped into my newly acquired vocabulary, thanks to kind neighbors here, who clearly are fluent in flower talk, unlike me, a mixed- up, old New Yorker, myself. "Well, auntie, our agapanthus are sublime. And the cycla- mens do need as much water as the hybrid roses: do you know the Queen Elizabeth, Secret,


and Peace rose


varieties?--Incredible blooms all over. -Oh, we planted one tomato and it is yielding about thirty-six tomatoes!--The bell pepper plant turned out small and bitter.


Must have done something


awfully wrong with that one. And the ferns in the shade are thriving. ---Oh, got a let- ter from Linda, she has three brand new grandchildren! --Sorry, you say I should stick to the garden stuff?" "What's


1400 Dutton Ave Ste. 15 Santa Rosa, CA 95401


707-291-6761 NMLS# 267912


barryo@stearns.com Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold. ~Lord Chesterfield UPBEAT TIMES • September 2013 • 5


out somewhat like this: "Yeah, she said she's growing Agnes-Pants- Up and Sickly Lemons. No pee-tunias, though. Oh yeah, somethin' about some tohmay- tah that thinks it's Jack in the Beanstalk. But that's all a Secret, ya' know, to keep from Queen Elizabeth! Ya' know she's the niece who loves Peace so much. Yeah. And three new babes were born in Ferndale shade, or somethin'. But, she's not at all bitter."


I listened, sighed, and


watched the promiscuous birds flying sweetly, coyly, in circles overhead, saw the zippy emerald green hum- mingbirds sip from the orange


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fairytale-like flowers that tremble


in the soft breeze,


smiled at "Owen, the Orange Cat" who belongs to the neighbors across the street, approved of his gentle sniff- ing at


the pregnant bloom-


ing roses, frowned at "hey, you!," the name we give to the cranky, calico cat who wishes only to disturb the peaceful garden, and also snoops here daily to annoy Owen, and I breathed in, deeply, mindful- ly. Blissful. Colorful. Quiet. Santa Rosa is easy to love. Therefore, the lesson on


longevity I've learned in our peaceful, but sexy, sanctuary of a Santa Rosa garden is, I've been clearly told, if you "keep your pants up" and do not eat "sickly lemons," you, too, can grow to a happy, very old age here!


writer/artist/translator. The above is an excerpt from her forthcoming book of memoirs and short stories. (She's only 84 and writes slowly.)


Ellie Schmidt is a


Just Chillin' and the Secret of Longevity in Santa Rosa Gardens


UPBEAT TIMES • September 2013 • 5 JOKES & Humor # 3


A three-year-old boy opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and he dis- covered a water gun. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. The boy's father was not so pleased. He turned to the Grandmother and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Grandma smiled and then replied... "I remember."


I'd rather have roses on my table than


diamonds on my neck. Emma Goldman


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