children. If we want children to em- body healthy and positive qualities and play an important role in family life and beyond, we need to understand how to enable kids to think “We” by outgrow- ing some of our own Me-thinking ways. To start, it helps to understand that when we ask nothing of our children— keep them from experiencing larger challenges and taking real responsibil- ity for themselves and others—we risk spoiling them. Children that instead see and experience We-oriented caring for others and regularly participate in compassionate acts feel more attached to a community of family and friends. A child that feels noticed and embraced, and is then given opportunities to act independently of his parents, also will know what it means to be trusted. Par- ents convey, “I know you can do this.” A youngster that experiences this compassionate caring and trust will mimic such compassion, because it feels good to give and he wants others to acknowledge his worth. Also, having been allowed to suffer the consequences of some bad personal decisions (up to a point), he understands that his choices affect both himself and others. Given the opportunity to think things through for himself, he can make helpful choices in- stead of feeling forced to either resist or give in to what adults want. He knows how to show respect because he knows what it feels like to be respected. Acting responsibly follows naturally as a way to identify with others and demonstrate the strength of his connec- tions and contributions to the welfare of others. It sews a child into the fabric of his family and community, which responds, “You are a part of us. You belong and we rely on you.” The child quietly says to himself, “I’m here” and “I count.”
Listen closely and we will hear children asking permission to live their lives truly connected with us and with their widening circles of friends around the world.
Michael Ungar, Ph.D., is a clinician and research professor at the School of Social Work at Canada’s Dalhousie University, in Halifax, Nova Scotia. He based this article on his book, The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids, pub- lished by Da Capo Lifelong Books.
natural awakenings October 2012 31
Adult Behaviors Count
Many small gestures by adults cumulatively convey to children that they belong and their contributions are valued. Here are a few of the myriad ways to advance us all beyond Me-thinking.
n Pay attention to children n Know their names n Ask them for a favor n Challenge them with responsibility n Encourage them to try something new n Expect something of them n Let them teach everyone a song
n Ask them about themselves n Offer to play along n Delight in their discoveries n Laugh at their jokes n Get to know their friends n Accept and love them unconditionally
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