BROUGHT TO YOU BY Mystic Myk
‘Is that Orion’s belt or is he just pleased to see me?’
LEOJul 24 - Aug 23
One too many ‘Skittles’ cocktails in the Mischief will leave you completely battered and suddenly a drunken swim in the Wensum seems like a great idea. Keep your mouth shut or it’ll be a whole other kind of rainbow you’re gonna be tasting. Lucky day: August 31st
VIRGO Aug 24 - Sep 23 August sees you invest in some caffeine shampoo to help combat your expanding ‘monk spot’. Results are instant and your inadvertent tonsure is transformed into a burgeoning bouffant finally rivaling the ferocious forestry going on down south. You should trim that. Lucky day: August 27th
LIBRASep 24 - Oct 23 After the Catholic method lumbered you with a bundle of joy you didn’t want, and Latex brings you out in a rash, you turn to the Fertility Awareness Method of contraception to prevent any more fantastic accidents. Failing that the Baked Beans Approach usually serves as an adequate sex slayer. Lucky day: August 5th
SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 22 Well, well Scorpio it seems you’re more of a scrounger than RBS; your fecklessness with money has left you in a proper pickle and now you’re attempting to get bailed out by anyone foolish enough. Rich Uncle Pennybags offers to help but the ‘house’ he loans you on Mayfair is far from adequate.
Bastard.Lucky day: August 24th
SAGITTARIUSNov 23 - Dec 22 Aaatchoo! You seem to be allergic to everything (wasps, gerbils, Times New Roman) but when you’re not covering everyone in mucus you’ve been taking part in experimental treatment. Now you’ve survived being stung, petted furry animals, but can’t understand why you still feel nauseous when reading the Daily Mail. You are cured my little
droogie.Lucky day: August 13th
10 /August 2012/
outlineonline.co.uk
CAPRICORNDec 22 - Jan 23 Eager to keep your children safe from the evil outside world you look to censor anything remotely risqué. Tis month, after much scrutiny, you’ve finally come to conclusion that Baloo was in fact a treedophile, lusting after any young saplings before grinding the bark off them and a totally inappropriate role model. Wait till you see the synopsis of Snow White…one woman, seven dwarves? Filth! Lucky day: August 4th
AQUARIUSJan 21 - Feb 19 After the G4S debacle, the army, public school kids, and staff of Caffè Nero have all been called up to save us from the Olym…, sorry, keep the Olympics safe. As you haven’t been able to get your soy latte in the morning you turn into an über bitch and we may as well send you over to Syria to sort al-Assad
out.Lucky day: August 11th
PISCESFeb 20 - Mar 20 Recently you’ve turned into more of a cougar than Demi Moore but with your cataracts playing up this month you end up with some young hunk called Justin, unable to see exactly how he looks, he offers to sing for you…“Baby, Baby, Baby”… NOOOOOOO!!!!Lucky day: August 20th
ARIESMar 21 - Apr 20 For years you have been trying to sate your boy racer tendencies but now you’ve got a new set of wheels you can start revving at lights like a complete douche. Unfortunately
when your Honda Jazz gets burnt by a hearse you realise you may have to stick to ‘storage capacity’ when you’re comparing ‘bad-ass’ features in the car park under the flyover. Lucky day: August 9th
TAURUSApr 21 - May 21 Ease up Gashley Cole. Finding the MMS function on your phone this month ranks high in terms of your momentous achievements. Tis doesn’t prepare your partner for the cascade of clunge you start firing about but when a rogue pic of your Blue Waffle makes it to your boss your next team meeting is going to be awkward. Lucky day: August 17th
GEMINIMay 22 - Jun 22 Boo you Gemini! Not only do your teeth look like an attempt to create a dental Stonehenge but you suffer from incredibly poor urinal etiquette; it’s bad enough that you sidle up to the one poor bloke trying to piss when every other urinal is available, but you really should wait when the cubicle is engaged. Using the blue urinal blocks as hand soap isn’t conducive to good hygiene either. Lucky day: August 23rd
CANCERJun 23 - Jul 23 Been wondering why you’ve been getting some odd looks? Well you’ve actually been suffering from an acute case of ‘Panda Claw’ that’s been chomping away at your undercrackers and disturbing work colleagues and strangers alike. Tink of it as an aggressive camel toe - as long as you keep your legs crossed and don’t feed it after midnight you’ll be fine. Lucky day: August 30th
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