AUGUST 2012
dedication to working out, get a better job, buy new clothes, hottie up, and take half of your s@#t on the way out.” You won’t even hear it because you stopped listening to her some time during the storm. If your curtain call is mer-
ciful, she will have pulled you aside at some random time like in an aisle of the grocery store. With a bag of pork skins in your clutches, you will approach the cart, which she has filled with healthy foods you believe are intended to keep you both well into old age. She looks you in the eye with the, “If only your
head was turned I would take care of you Of Mice And Men style” gaze, and says lovingly, “Baby, always know that I love you.” In the moment you take that to mean she is in love with you. Later, as the eye gives way to the rest of the hurricane, you realize she meant the kind of love you hold for something dear in the past, something that you outgrew or used to find in- teresting. Something that you once thought you looked good in but now can’t believe you considered wearing. She will always love you like her first perm, leggings with stirrup
straps, shoulder pads a la the 80’s, like a favorite Chihuahua. Once you come to understand
that the blind joy of the eye was really a state of ignorance, the rest of the hurricane will rip through the relationship. The storm will pass, all do. You might make that rush to change everything about yourself to try and keep her, but that is the cruelest stage of all. She knows she is leaving, but she will let you fumble along trying to be a better listener, trying to look for things for the both of you to do, turning down invitations to golf on a Sunday. She will let
you wander haplessly to the gym while you constantly feel lightheaded because you have dramatically decreased your al- cohol and animal fats intake in a last-ditch effort to show her you can change. The cruelest of the cruel will let you read a self-help book or, worse, sug- gest some female manuscript you should read to understand her better. All the while, she is giggling on the inside.
23 So you were the idiot in the
grocery store thinking she was filling the cart for forever and you didn’t see the warn- ing signs. Not all relationships find themselves in crisis every time a storm approaches. We have all been blindsided due to the hodgepodge of choice and circumstance. The takeaway is that after every storm comes a beautiful day, and the oppor- tunity to recount and perhaps embellish your tales of surviv- al.
From The Mouths Of Babes
Women respond to the question: How does a man know when a woman is done with him? “She stops acting crazy!”
“She stops caring about what your mother thinks.”
“She stops making the I am just calling to check in but really check in on you calls.”
“She seems uninterested and goes out a lot. Did I mention, goes out a lot?”
“When she toots around you.”
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