Couples eventually will lose that feeling and encounter conflict; if they can work through that, they can get to a point of real love. Real love feels like romantic love, but romantic love is fragile and driven by expectations, whereas real love is durable and lasts through frustrations.


What can we do to keep and develop intimate connection?


We teach couples how to have a differ- ent kind of conversation. It is called an Imago Dialogue, in which partners listen deeply to each other with curiosity, em- pathy and respect: what the other person thinks, how they feel and particularly, what they want in the relationship—and it is all done without criticism. In a dialogue, I will tell you what frustrates me. Time is often a big fac- tor—whether it’s being late or early, time together or alone or time manage- ment. We have a primordial need for reliability; what scares children most is parents not being reliable. So I might say, “I need you to show up on time. In childhood, I couldn’t count on people.” You might respond, “Not having parents who kept promises, I imagine you feel frightened when I don’t show up.”


Then you come to the behavior needed to respond: For example, “If I’ll be late, I’ll give you a call, so you know when I’ll be there.” It’s all about com- munication.


If we fail to fi x a past relationship, what does it take to make the next one work well?


It takes changing the notion that be- tween our marriages, we can get fixed. You are going to take any unresolved problems into the next relationship. The best and only thing you can do is be aware of this and resolve to respond to it differently the next time.


Ultimately, the best thing anyone can do for a relationship is to agree to end all negativity. If criticism is the basis of conflict, then appreciation, adoration and empathy are the basis for safety and passion in a relationship.


April Thompson is a freelance writer in Washington, D.C. Connect at AprilWrites.com.


I


Relationship Repair: How One Couple Retrieved Their Love


by Harville Hendrix


counseled one couple—let’s call them Peter and Mary—who were on the brink of divorce. They run a coffee shop and bakery together; Peter is the primary businessper- son and Mary is sec- ondary. Mary works from 10 a.m. until 3 p.m., then goes home and makes dinner, which is supposed to be at 6 p.m.


Mary feels


unappreciated by her husband for two reasons: “Peter never thanks me for fixing


dinner, and he’s seldom ever home for dinner on time. I can’t seem to get him to understand that I need appreciation.”


Peter responds by saying, “I don’t think you should be thanked for doing what you’re supposed to do—I don’t expect you to thank me for doing my job. Second, there are often customers in the store when it’s time to close.” It sounds like an easy thing to fix: He just needs to close up the store on time and say thank you. For them, it’s been a 20-year conflict that relates to something deeper. As we worked together, Mary remembered two things about her childhood: being told no man would ever love her and meet her needs, and that her mother never kept her promises. Peter noted that he grew up in a family where nobody said thank you and where boundaries weren’t set. Both individuals had been dealing with wounds and defenses for so long that these mechanisms had become a lifestyle, and as a result they were close to divorce. As we continued the conversation, Peter said, “Well, I know about your mother, but I didn’t know I was treating you the same way she did. I re- ally do appreciate your meals and I can see that it frustrates you when I don’t come home, because you feel valueless and dinner gets cold. Now I see I was delaying going home because I was dreading having the inevitable fight with you.”


The partners got clear on why they did what they did, and then made some simple adjustments. He was to come home at 6:30 p.m., and communicated, “I say I don’t need appreciation for the store, but I would like to be thanked for being responsible for the majority of our income.” She agreed. In their newfound mutual appreciation, the relationship took off like a new love affair. When we stretch out of our comfort zones into our partner’s world, some- thing magical happens. When we sustain that, we are in the real love phase of the relationship.


natural awakenings February 2011 29


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