Intentional Dialogue


“I


mago Dialogue is a commu- nication process that creates contact with another person and deepens it to [create a] connec- tion and a level of empathic attun- ement. Such intentional dialogue is a way to speak to each other from a place of equality and acceptance,” says Harville Hendrix. “The proce- dure is to mirror what you’re hear- ing, validate the logic of what you’re hearing and reflect the feelings in what you’re hearing—and do [all of] that without judgment.” Such intentional dialogue involves three steps: mirroring, validating and empathy.


n Mirroring is paraphrasing what is said to you, and then request- ing confirmation that you have received the whole message. The magic words are: “If I am getting you correctly, you’re saying x, y and z. Did I get it?” The magic question is: “Is there more about that?” This response replaces the reactive response and is the begin- ning of growth towards contact and connection.


n Validating is seeing something from the other’s point of view and telling him or her that you can see the logic in their statements: “You make sense; and what makes sense is ... ” You don’t have to agree with what is said; you just have to see the logic in it.


n Empathy is being able to imag- ine what the other person is feeling: “I can imagine that you must be feeling sad and hurt about that...” Even if you have to grit your teeth at first, you’ll produce a positive result with most people. When you can do it authentically from your core, it takes the danger out of your relationship: Neither of you has to be defended against the other anymore.


28 Rockland & Orange Counties


wisewords A Conversation with


Harville Hendrix, Marriage Whisperer


On the Secrets of a Healthy Relationship


by April Thompson H


arville Hendrix, Ph.D., knows the sorrow of


a broken relationship. In 1975, after a 16- year struggle to make a failing marriage work, Hendrix and his wife decided to split up. On the day the divorce was final, he was scheduled to teach a class on marriage at a university graduate school. As Hendrix responded to


audience questions, he realized that everyone wants to know the secrets of successful marriages—including him. That “Aha!” moment spurred years of research with couples and led to his seminal book, Getting the Love You Want, and the creation of Imago Relationship Therapy with his second wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. Their partnership of 28 years has produced nine books on intimate relationships and parenting, most recently Receiving Love, and six grown children. Imago Therapy seeks to unearth the hid- den agendas that we all bring to our relationships and address them with openness, compassion and fearlessness.


What should you know before getting into a relationship?


You need to know what pushes your buttons, whether it’s someone not look- ing at you while talking or someone being late. You should also know what happened in your childhood that made you sensitive to that. Why? Because


www.naturalawakeningsro.com


the person you will be attracted to is going to push that button. It’s an opportunity to repair the shut-down part of yourself as you stretch to meet your partner’s needs and become whole in doing so. The divorce rate has been 50 percent for the past 60 years, because people think conflict means you’re with the wrong person. But con-


flict is growth trying to happen. Every person who falls in love goes through this drama: You meet someone who activates the negative aspects of your parents or caretakers, and your uncon- scious wants this person, who acts as a parental surrogate, to fulfill the unmet needs of childhood. When such conflict occurs, you know you are in a relation- ship with the right person.


Many people may go to therapy or read self-help books, but if the issue you need to address is triggered only by certain types of people, you can’t work on it until it’s triggered. If you do go to therapy, go together. Therapy can actu- ally be bad for your marriage unless you are in the same room at the same time with the same person helping you work through these issues.


How does real love feel?


Romantic love and real love are two forms of the same thing. The feeling of romantic love is one of joy, pleasure, relaxation, excitement and euphoria.


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