THE WEIRS TIMES, Thursday, May 6, 2010
A
brendan@weirs.com
inNEW HAMP SHI R E
CENSELESS FUN
FOOL
*
Live Free
*A FLATLANDER’S OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
or Die.
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
I’m never one to beat a
dead horse but I have to revisit an issue I covered in a previous column - The US Census. It’s just that I had a great idea that should be fun . The kind of great fun you can only have once every ten years. If you haven’t filled out
your Census form yet, you’re not alone. There are tens of thousands just like you. Maybe you al- ready mailed in your form but you left out a piece of information or two. Once again, you’re not alone. Soon, an army of Census workers will march goose- step across the country and into cities and towns tracking down these scoff- laws and to bring the fear of God into their homes. If you are one of tens of
thousands, like me, don’t be nervous or upset. This is a great opportu- nity for a little fun. I’m expecting my visit
from a Census worker soon, and I’ve been pre- paring for it for days. A visit to my house would usually be a simple, mun- dane task for the census worker. I live by myself so there’s not much to
count. But, if you’re like me,
you can turn a boring, run-of-the mill visit into a morning or afternoon of fun and entertainment. These are some of the
fun events I have planned for my visit from the Cen- sus worker. When the Census worker
arrives I will make sure that a few of my neighbors have parked their cars in my driveway as well as having a few of their kids bicycles and toys scattered about. I’ll invite the Census worker in for a cool bever- age. I’ll ask him to excuse the mess as the kitchen ta- ble will be set for eight and look as if I hadn’t cleaned up from breakfast yet. I’ll invite the Census
worker to sit on the couch, directly across from the window where I will have placed a pair of women’s shoes behind the drapes with the toes sticking out. (Don’t ask me where I got them.) On the table I’ll make
sure to have a copy of “The Idiot’s Guide To Raising Children.” I’ll tell the Census work-
er; “Whatever you do don’t look in the closet in the upstairs bedroom.” I’ll ask a friend to call on
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the phone constantly while the census worker is there. I’ll answer and say things like: “Sorry, he’s not here right now.” “She’s at work, call later.” “I’ll let them know” and “I told you not to call until he’s gone.” When the Census worker
asks me how many people live here I’ll say “Um…. one…yeah one! Just me? Why? Were you talking to the people across the street?” When the Census work-
er asks me, as is stated on the questionnaire, if anyone else lives here, I will say “You mean IN the house?” I’m sure I’ll think up a
few more ideas before the big day arrives. Like Halloween, the visit
from the Census worker is now sure to become one my favorite times, a per- sonal holiday so to speak. And seeing that it comes about only once every ten years, I’ll certainly try to make the best of it. Feel free to use any if
these ideas or make up a few of your own. If you live in a big house-
hold you can really have tons of fun, I’m a bit jeal- ous.
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room many different times, each time dressed in dif- ferent clothes. You could ask if the dogs and cats count. Just use your imagina-
tion. You’ll soon find out that
you’ve been missing out on some great fun over the years and will be sure to make it a family tradition.
5
And, to those of you who
already filled out your Census forms correctly and sent them in? Well, eat your hearts
out.
Brendan Smith welcomes
your comments at bren-
dan@weirs.com.
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