to do something you don’t approve of, resist the urge to react with immediate advice and talk to them about their decision-making process. Be present enough for them to let them hear themselves think out loud.”


“Children need affection, attention,


acknowledgment and unconditional love, not discipline. When you punish kids, they feel absolved: ‘I did something bad, I got punished, now we’re even,’” says Lefkoe. When they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing, she recommends (with children as young as 5) asking them, “What are the consequences of your actions? Do you want to live with them? Your goal with this conversation should be that your child walks away feeling like they made a mistake, but it was a great learning opportunity.” As kids mature and are faced with potentially dangerous scenarios, “You don’t want them worrying about what their friends will think; you want them thinking about the consequences,” says Lefkoe.


Navigating the Teen Years The intense journey of adolescence is about discovering oneself and how to reach full potential. Carter says, “I had to constantly remind myself that this is their journey, not mine, and that it’s going to sometimes be dark and diffi cult.” “The more power you give kids, the less they feel the need to test the universe,” says Lefkoe, who reminds parents that while it’s relatively easy to control young children, rebellious teenagers are harder to handle when they feel they have something to prove to an overbearing parent. Offering calculated risk-taking opportunities that don’t involve drugs and alcohol is benefi cial in the teen years. “You want them to know how to handle freedom and be responsible once they are on their own,” she says. “When I got my driver’s license, I


always came home before curfew,” says Martin. “I learned that if I could control myself, my parents didn’t feel the need to control me, which gave me a ton of power in my life.” Brott observes that as the parenting


role changes, “We can offer to help, but it’s equally important to learn to let go and admire the young adults they’re becoming.”


Teens desperately want to not feel like a kid, adds Stiffelman. “They may tell you to back off, but stay present and engaged—like wallpaper. The more you ask their opinion or invite them to teach you something, the more they’ll feel your support.” With sex education, the authors of The


New Puberty, Pediatric Endocrinologist Dr. Louise Greenspan and Adolescent Psychologist Julianna Deardorff, Ph.D., emphasize the importance of being approachable from a young age, so kids naturally turn to their parents when sensitive questions arise. “It shouldn’t be about having ‘the talk’; it’s about maintaining an on-going conversation,” says Greenspan. “Body odor is a good starting point in talking about body issues because it’s not intimidating and can be comfortably addressed by either parent.” Avoid rushing into subjects they’re not ready for by focusing on answering the questions that are posed, while offering a glimpse into the near future. Deardorff says, “Pubertal changes happen over time, so be patient. Parents have a lot of anxiety and anticipation about puberty. When you start to see the fi rst signs, you don’t have to communicate everything all at once.” Consider throwing a puberty party or a health workshop for a son or daughter and their friends. Invite a parent that is comfortable with the subject matter—a nurse, physician or teacher—to get the conversation started. “Fight the urge to emotionally or physically withdraw,”


counsels Deardorff. “Sharing activities is a form of communication, too.”


Kids as Teachers “By paying attention, we can learn a lot of skills from our kids,” says Brott. Generally, youngsters have a greater tolerance for other people’s mistakes and opinions than adults, and tend to be more laid back. They regularly teach spiritual lessons about giving and receiving love and happiness in ways we never imagined. Through all the inevitable challenges, Stiffelman notes, “When parenting with presence, we orient ourselves with whatever good, bad or diffi cult moment is unfolding and bring more of our self—our heart, consciousness, understanding and compassion—to hold steady as the seas get rocky. Children offer us opportunities to confront the dark and dusty corners of our minds and hearts, creating conditions to call forth the kind of learning that can liberate us from old paradigms.” It all allows us to lead more expansive and fulfi lling lives as we open ourselves to more of the love, learning and joy that the adventure of parenting can bring. When we embrace the healing and transformation that is being offered through parenting with presence, the rewards can be limitless.


Meredith Montgomery publishes Natural Awakenings of Mobile/Baldwin, AL (HealthyLivingHealthyPlanet.com).


Conscious Parenting Resources


The Body Book for Boys by Rebecca Paley, Grace Norwich and Jonathan Mar


The Care and Keeping of You: the Body Book for Younger Girls by Valorie Schaefer


The Care and Keeping of You 2: The Body Book for Older Girls by Cara Natterson


Father for Life: A Journey of Joy, Challenge and Change by Armin Brott


Holistic Mom’s Network HolisticMoms.org


22 Central Florida natural awakenings


Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv


The New Puberty by Louise Greenspan, M.D., and Julianna Deardorff, Ph.D.


Parenting the Lefkoe Way TheLefkoeWay.com


Parenting with Presence by Susan Stiffelman


Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents by Christine Carter


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