ENLIGHTENED
PARENTINGTips for Raising Confi dent and Loving Kids by Meredith Montgomery
grades,” Carter says, “particularly if parents tend to monitor grades more than aspects of a child’s character. What do you talk about more—their achievements or their character? If it’s the former, consider that you unintentionally might be sending the wrong message.”
Hummingbird Parenting Overprotection of children by what’s termed helicopter parenting, can cause a disabling sense of entitlement where kids begin to believe, possibly unconsciously, that they are entitled to a diffi culty-free life, Carter observes. “There’s an epidemic of cheating because students don’t want to try hard, and they expect to be rescued,” she says. “Although it’s terrifying to let our kids
fail, when we don’t let them experience diffi culty, they see mistakes as being so awful they must be avoided at any cost. To gain mastery in any arena, we must challenge ourselves, even if that means making mistakes.” “We lose sight that we’re not raising
F
ueled by unconditional love, parenting with presence embraces all potential connections between parents and their children.
Establishing Values Shelly Lefkoe, co-author of Chicken Soup for the Soul: Guide to Effective Parenting, believes that children learn what we model as important values. She tells her daughters they should treat her with dignity and respect both because she’s their mother and, “That’s how you treat people and that’s how I treat them.” Honesty is also a high priority in their household. Minneapolis college student Casey Martin often joins his father, Kirk, in presenting Calm Parenting workshops for parents, teachers and students around the country. In growing up, he’s seen fi rsthand, “If you have a connection with your kids, you can have a lot more infl uence on them.” Noting that sometimes children feel like their parents love them, but
don’t necessarily like them, Martin emphasizes fi nding ways to identify with their interests. “I love cars, and my dad used to invite me on test drives when I was a kid. Both of my parents took time to connect with me, which had a huge impact on our relationship.” Christine Carter, Ph.D., a sociologist with the University of California Greater Good Science Center, recognizes the importance of talking explicitly about values. When we see kids doing something we value, ask them how it made them feel, she advises. “Teens don’t necessarily know that their parents value character over
My dad always told me it was my school, my
choice, my grades, my life. It made me want to take responsibility.
~Casey Martin 20 Central Florida natural awakenings
children, we’re raising adults,” says Malibu, California, marriage, family and child therapist Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confi dent, Caring Kids. “Empower them to cope with ups and downs. Help them know and trust themselves by not legislating their opinions and by allowing them to experiment.” Children often struggle with transitions, especially when things don’t go as planned. Martin recommends, “When kids throw tantrums or argue to get out of a challenging situation that’s causing them anxiety, help them work through it. Tell them that you know they’re feeling anxious, that you’ve felt that way before, too, and then help by giving them something specifi c to do or focus on.” Independent outdoor play has been proven to help kids learn to exert self-control. America’s children aren’t allowed to roam freely outside to experience nature as previous generations did. In Last Child in the Woods, author Richard Louv cautions against being limited by modern factors such as restrictive subdivision covenants and media-induced fear. “There are risks outdoors, but there are huge psychological, physical and spiritual
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