Struggling to cope S
Where is the church in times of infertility?
arah’s laughter isn’t sitting well with me these days. I imagine sitting across from this biblical fi gure in the tea shop and hearing: “Aſt er all these years! Abraham
and I are fi nally pregnant! Can you believe it!” She laughs and claps her hands. I smile and nod, sip my tea, try to swallow the lump in my throat. T en I manage some small grunting laughter and a weak congratulatory speech, but she (thankfully) doesn’t notice. In my head I tell myself that my behavior is ridiculous.
In her moment of happiness, I’m overwhelmed with the same old tornado of feelings: envy, anger, sadness. For shame! T is is Sarah’s moment of joy and I’m determined to share it with her. I make a valiant eff ort but later, aſt er Sarah and I have
hugged and parted, I slip into my car and burst into con- fused tears. Because Sarah is pregnant and I’m not. My partner and I have been trying to get pregnant for
more than four years. Underneath the wish for biological children and the blood draws, temperature readings and clinical interrogation about our sex life there is a storm of emotions rarely talked about with others. Our inability to conceive squeezes into being these
weird feelings of grief, sadness, shame, confusion and envy. T e stress of the fi nancial implications of fertility treatments can be paralyzing. We are rattled by the inac- cessibility of the dream of parenthood and question our identity. It can be overwhelming. T e church strives to walk with people through the
ups and downs of life. T e Bible reminds us that we are called to cradle the emotionally and physically vulner- able members of our community (Psalm 41:1). When someone is grieving the death of a close friend or family member, caring people are oſt en quick to call and check in or send a card. Rarely does someone bring a casserole to support a couple cop- ing with infertility. If my partner and
Author bio: Mack, an ELCA pastor, is the Mexico country coordi- nator for the Young Adults in Global Mission program. She lives in Mexico City with her spouse, Omar.
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www.thelutheran.org
I happen to share our struggles to get pregnant, folks oſt en
By Lindsay Mack
steamroll through the anxiousness to hope: “It will hap- pen!” they say optimistically. Or: “You’ll get pregnant! In God’s time. God has a plan.” Every person struggling to conceive will probably
react uniquely to these well-meaning pats on the arm. In my case—and I know others who share this sentiment— these and other phrases like “just relax” or “stop trying and it will happen” can be more hurtful than helpful. I sometimes long for Job’s friends who will simply sit
next to me in silence in the ash heap for seven days and seven nights without much more than their presence— a presence that says, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
On Mother’s Day Supporting the person or couple in infertility treatment might be exactly what we need to do as congregations. Jesus reminds us in John 13:34 that we are called to “love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another.” T ere are particular moments when support is keenly
needed. Moments like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, oſt en recognized in our congregations, can be bitter to the person or couple struggling with infertility. On Mother’s Day, I not only miss my mother, who
died of cancer in 2010, but now it’s also a hallmark reminder of my body’s inability to conceive. Tempting as it is to call in sick and curl up under a blanket, this isn’t always a viable option for me as a pastor. Last May I shared a poem about motherhood and
infertility with the church liturgist, who included it in our Mother’s Day liturgy. Aſt er worship, several people told me about their daughters’ or nieces’ struggles to conceive. Later an elderly childless man at my church quietly
handed me one of the carnations they were giving to the mothers. He and his wife knew of our struggles to get pregnant. “Por que se que quieres ser mama. Because I know you want to be a mother,” he gently told me. Although I was still carefully guarding my secret of
infertility, I found unexpected healing and solidarity in our congregation on that Mother’s Day.
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