CHAMPIONSHIPS // // 2013 CLUB NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS
rocket exhaust By Richard Maskel Top 10 Tips For Curlers in the Coming Zombie Apocalypse
10] Try to spend most of the game standing close to the center of the sheet— zombies don’t ambulate very well, so the longer the distance they have to travel on the ice, the more likely it is that they will stumble and fall down while trying to get at you.
9] Use your stopwatch to gauge the interval time of the zombie chasing you, then make sure to maintain a greater speed while eff ecting your escape.
2013 USA Curling Club National Championships men's division winners (l-r) Doug Kauff man, John Rasmussen, Ken Trask, and Liam Barksdale. Photo by Marilyn Wilson
Gold medalists: Washington (Granite Curling Club): Doug Kauff man (Edmonds, Wash.),
John Rasmussen (Edmonds, Wash.), Ken Trask (Seattle), Liam Barksdale (Se- attle) North Dakota 1 (Capital Curling Club): Nicole Reiser (Mandan, N.D.),
Michelle Wagner (Bismarck, N.D.), Corrina Stroh (Bismarck, N.D.), Roxanne Howes (Bismarck, N.D.)
Silver medalists: Illinois (Exmoor Curling Club): Jeff Wright (Libertyville, Ill.), Russ Arm-
strong (Lake Bluff , Ill.), Sean Silver (Chicago), Steve Wright (Chicago), Russ Brown (Lake Forest, Ill.) Minnesota (Duluth Curling Club): Norma O’Leary (Silver Bay, Minn.), Jill
Hansen (Duluth, Minn.), Mary Shields (Duluth, Minn.), Patti Luke (Duluth, Minn.), Anna Bauman (Duluth, Minn.) Bronze medalists:
North Dakota 2 (Grand Forks Curling Club): Beth Bohlman, Kyleigh
Smith, Amy Bushaw, Dawn Zimney, Gail Ingwalson (all of Grand Forks, N.D.) Wisconsin (Blackhawk Curling Club): Mark Olson (Janesville, Wis.), Paul
Rudkin (Janesville, Wis.), Ryan Spielman (South Beloit, Ill.), Aaron Richards (Milton, Wis.)
8] Aſt er throwing a takeout at a zombie’s feet to knock them down, do not forget to pick up the stone and smash their skulls in order to put them out of commission permanently.
7] Always position your front end players as human shields— let the zombies eat them fi rst while you beat a hasty retreat.
6] Keep your post-game victory libations to a minimum— your ability to spot zombies lurking in the back of the clubroom will be seriously impaired by over-indulgence in alcoholic beverages.
5] When under siege, instruct your icemaker to fi ll the pebble can with a fl ammable liquid, then proceed to liberally douse the zombies, “light ‘em up” with the propane torch that he uses to clean out the hacks, and stand back and enjoy the show.
4] Following a zombie attack, take special care to “dust” every one of your stones all the way down the sheet— tiny bits of “undead remains” can easily be leſt behind on the ice under these circumstances and may cause your rock to pick.
3] When choosing an out-of-town bonspiel, try to select a location that is farthest removed from the latest reports of roving zombie hordes.
2] In cases where there are known infestations of the “undead” in the neighborhood of your club, the traditional greeting of “good curling” during pre-game handshakes should be replaced by the more prudent admonition to “watch out for zombies.”
1] Stay in close proximity to your skip— zombies like to eat brains, and since it is a well known fact that your skip doesn’t have any, they will avoid him like the plague.
USA Curling (( 11
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