[
HER SPACE] editorial
How to Handle Defeat I
Finding the sweet spot between indifference and despair after tough losses
got into a discussion about losing while watching a really lopsided game. “How
can you keep trying when you’re just down by so much and you know you’re going to lose?” asked one person. My friend Bryan piped to point out that some people really hate losing. “If I could never lose another game again, if I could never have that feeling again, I’d rip off my arm,” he said.
Everyone stared at him in horror. Did I mention we were watching football at a post-wedding brunch? Self-dismemberment is not a common post-wedding brunch conversation topic. “Wait, that’s not true,” Bryan said, using his still-attached arm to hold up his hand in a conciliatory gesture. “I would rip off both of my arms if it meant I’d never lose again.”
Written down in black and white, the both-arms remark sounds like a killer punch line, but Bryan was not kidding. He was just doing the mental calculation of the bargain he’d strike with the universe if he could go through life trailed by an endless string of W’s. No one likes losing, of
course. Some say “good losses” puncture overinflated egos or remove oppressive standards of perfection. (Said Maryland head coach Cathy Reese after the Terps’ 36-game home winning streak ended with a 10-9 loss to Syracuse on March 10: “Well, that’s one less thing to worry about.”) There’s also the old chestnut that it’s hard to beat a team twice in one season, the theory being that the losers will reexamine themselves and be in a better strategic position for the rematch. Losing is inevitable. You will lose, and it will hurt. Emily Gibson, once a Loyola midfielder and now a US Lacrosse public relations associate, went 2-14 in her first college season. It was the first time she had ever played on a losing team in any sport.
“I remember sitting on the bus on the drive back from away games where we had lost, and hearing people cracking jokes,” Gibson said. “I sat wallowing by myself, thinking, ‘How can people take this so lightly?’” Feeling upset, sad, angry or disappointed after a loss is typical. It can be a positive thing if you use those emotions as motivation to work harder. You just have to find the sweet spot between indifference (you don’t care at all) and despair (you become so negative that you can’t move past it). “You learn when you get older to learn from the game, and move onto the next one,” said Gibson, who had a front-row seat to the Greyhounds’ recent renaissance. She finished
Lacrosse has a great learn-how- to-lose tradition built into every game — the post-game handshake. Instead of
focusing on our failures, we take a moment to look rivals in the eye and say, “Good game.”
32 LACROSSE MAGAZINE May 2012>>
her career with an 11-7 record as a senior in 2010. One of my favorite bands,
Wilco, has a song called “War on War” that goes, “You have to lose/you have to learn how to die/if you want to want to be alive.” I like the idea of learning how to lose, that it’s an acquired skill. Losing sounds less scary, less out of your control that way.
Riding a clear is learning how to lose — you took a shot, but the goalie made a save and you’ve got to get after it. Ground balls are learning how to lose — you dropped the ball and need to get it back.
Lacrosse has a great learn-how-to-lose tradition built into every game — the post-game handshake. Instead of focusing on our failures, we take a moment to look rivals in the eye and say, “Good game.” If you want to get an A-plus in Losing 101, may I suggest singling out an opponent and making a point of telling her she played particularly well? (Works for games you win, too.) It takes two seconds, makes a fellow laxer feel great and it’s the sort of thing people will remember 20 years down the line.
It also makes you analyze why she was great. Speed? Stick skills? Strategy? Her strength likely is something you can borrow and adapt for your own game, so you never have to lose that particular way again. Learn how to lose graciously and wisely. And, I hope, infrequently. LM
—Clare Lochary
clochary@uslacrosse.org A Publication of US Lacrosse
©JOHN STROHSACKER
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