5 MINUTES
with DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER
Learning From Mistakes I
n private practice, and now on my radio show, i’ve heard from parents who want their child to change some habit, like whining when they lose a game or
freaking out when things go wrong. The parents expect a simple lecture or meme will change
their child. When I point out their child’s problem stems from family dynamics and parental behaviors and that the parent needs to change, there is always pushback. They expect a child can turn on a dime, while they have
spent decades not changing what they know is their own problem. This recent call summarizes the reality when you want
children to give up a negative way of handling something like failure:
Dr. Laura: Jenny, welcome to
the program. Jenny: What should I do to
help my 10-year-old son deal with mistakes? How do you handle making
mistakes in front of him? I am a perfectionist probably.
And I know my husband is. Then he got it from you guys. And that’s what I fear. Well, you don’t have to fear it.
You just know it now. What do I do to fi x it?
I explained to Jenny that she and her husband were
the adults. “He already sees that if he makes a mistake, he becomes worthless because of how he’s watched you two berate yourselves when you made mistakes.” So, what should your kids start seeing you do? You should say: “Wow, I got that backwards” or “I got
it inside out” or “I did it wrong,” and “Let’s see, how can I repair this? Is this fi xable?” And you can even say to your son: “What could we do to
make this better? I could use your advice.” Now, instead of seeing his parents go into self-hating fi ts
of anger and frustration, he sees them problem-solving and asking him to solve the problem. New habits develop. It all starts with the two of you
clearly making mistakes, sometimes even on purpose, so that you can go, “Oh my God, I did this wrong.” He sees that and then you go, “Geez.” You say, “I screwed this up. Normally, I’d blow a gasket. But that’s kind of stupid of me to do, isn’t it? So, how do we
80 NEWSMAX MAXLIFE | MAY 2023
fi x this? How do we solve the problem? You have any ideas?” He hears in his mind, “Mommy said, ‘Normally I blow a
gasket, but that’s useless.’ Shoot, that sounds like me. And now I’m being asked to solve the problem.” Now, he gets into problem-solving mode. The people
who do well in life are not perfectionists. It’s the people who can temporarily blow a gasket, then spend most of their time remedying the problem instead of hating themselves. One of the things that I think you should have him do
— and you’re going to think I’m nuts now — is start getting Legos. They’re very good for retraining yourself to relax and
solve a problem rather than getting angry and throwing the set against the wall, which would make too many pieces to pick up. Sit with him and read while
he’s doing something. Inevitably, he will make a mistake. Then you say, “The cool part of making a mistake is now we’re really going to understand how they put this together, because we’re going to go back and fi x the mistake. This is so cool. I’m so glad you did that.” So that’s how we change his
head. It starts with mommy and daddy. You didn’t initially want to tell me that you and your husband
are perfectionists. And perfectionists suff er way too much. Now, I used to be called a perfectionist. I’m not sure, but
I’m certainly persistent. That’s diff erent. I will remedy a situation. I will fi gure it out. I will make it happen. I will do it till it’s right. I am persistent. Do I get frustrated? Absolutely. There are times I have
to walk away from myself. I’ll go have a cup of tea, go rearrange whatever it is. Do something, clear your head, come back, and do it. I
think that’s the best thing for kids. It’s not hearing, “You’re stupid. You’re bad. You’re dumb. You can’t do anything.” They see the parents getting all angry, and angry with
each other. “How could you have done that? You burned my toast.” What? Make two other pieces of toast. Who the hell cares? It’s not important. You have to really decide, is this the hill I want to die
on?
Listen to Dr. Laura on SiriusXM Channel 111, Mon.–Sat. 2–6pm ET, Sun. 5–9pm ET.
LEMONO/SHUTTERSTOCK
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74 |
Page 75 |
Page 76 |
Page 77 |
Page 78 |
Page 79 |
Page 80 |
Page 81 |
Page 82 |
Page 83 |
Page 84 |
Page 85 |
Page 86 |
Page 87 |
Page 88 |
Page 89 |
Page 90 |
Page 91 |
Page 92 |
Page 93 |
Page 94 |
Page 95 |
Page 96 |
Page 97 |
Page 98 |
Page 99 |
Page 100
