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5 MINUTES


with DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER Be Yourself — and Be Free


If you won’t show your true self, how can you expect others to love you? ::


T


here is nothing that can be gained in life without assuming some risk. This became very clear to recent callers to my radio show who complained about fear of rejection.


One woman revealed her pattern of being with men


who were no good for her. She had been to therapy and still didn’t know why this kept happening. Here is the essential part of the dialogue:


There’s a woman who has two men in front of her. One


of them really looks like he’s sort of a good guy, and the other looks like a bit of a problem. She’s turned her back to the good guy. Do you believe that she believes a good guy would want her? No. She believes that a good guy wouldn’t want her. Why would a good guy not want her? Because she’s damaged. If he gets to know her, he will


run because she’s worse than he originally sees her. Well, what if he sees her as she is and still wants her


because he sees more than just the damage? I think there’s a big risk with that. That’s true. The biggest gains come from the biggest


risks, don’t they? Yes, they do. Wow, that makes sense. I didn’t see that. I


can feel myself settling when you said that. Maybe he loves her because of the other things about


her that are good. Look, everyone is imperfect. That doesn’t mean people can’t be loved. When you see yourself as imperfect or damaged that is all you see. It’s like taking a picture of a person, and the only thing that comes out is a toe. That’s you. You have distilled yourself down to a toe when there is the whole rest of your being for someone to appreciate. What about the rest? It is quite lovable. That makes my eyes water. You really hit a point with


me — thank you. So many people see themselves by a very narrow lens


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that focuses on only one aspect of their whole being and existence — they judge it — and don’t want to put themselves in the position of being judged and rejected by someone whose opinion and loss would be too great to survive. Another caller related that she did


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not have friends. I fi nally coaxed out of her that she has some emotional problems and believed no one would want to be her friend. I reminded her that everyone is a


bit off in some way . . . everyone. No one is perfect. To dismiss the possibility of being


liked because she struggled with psychological problems was the “only nutty thing you’ve said,” I told her. She laughed and said that she’d make an eff ort to let some people in. I told her, “That’s great . . . and you’ll quickly see that everyone is quirky.” There are many reasons we


isolate ourselves . . . they are all sad, nonproductive, and a denial of the potential joys of life. Remember, no matter how


imperfect we may be in some aspect, that doesn’t mean we won’t be loved.


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