ISSUE 114 AUTUMN 2024 A FUNNY THING
A LITTLE LIGHT MUSIC
THE LASER USER
On a recent episode of Pointless (a TV quiz show in the UK tea-time slot), there was a jackpot question to name a 5-letter word that nobody else had thought of with “Z” as the middle letter. The couple in question were chatting through the options and felt like the word “lazer” was a great choice. I was of course shocked and appalled! Thankfully the answer was given as wrong and the co-presenter (comedian Nish Kumar) explained, as if it was a fact he knew, that laser is spelt with an “S” because it is an acronym and the “S” stands for “Stimulated” (as you all know!).
This stimulated me to wonder what misconceptions the general public might have on the topic of lasers, and I thought where better to start than with song lyrics. You might be disappointed to know that there are 6,155 mentions of the word “lazer” in lyrics – thankfully there are14,596 mentions of “laser” spelled correctly. However there are 40 artists with the name “lazer” in their title and only 38 with the correct spelling “laser”. Every time I spell laser with a “z” I have a helpful underlining in red showing it as a spelling mistake….
Where are the citations of laser within popular music? The first mention I can find is in 1967 (impressively quite soon after the first laser demonstration) and its by San Francisco psychedelic rock band Jefferson Airplane in their song “Rejoyce” which I had never heard
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before – in the interests of research I listened to it on YouTube and the words “like a laser beam” seem to be silent, perhaps they were added in later: “Chemical change (like a laser beam), You've shattered the warning amber light”
Perhaps the top selling is Killer Queen by the band Queen in the mid 1970s. The chorus includes the lyrics “She's a Killer Queen. Gunpowder, gelatine, Dynamite with a laser beam, Guaranteed to blow your mind, Anytime” Even David Bowie had a go in 1974 with “I am a Laser” though I don’t think it was ever a hit. Moving on to the 1980s we have Frankie Goes to Hollywood with Relax (banned by the BBC at the time which guaranteed a No.1 slot – includes the words: “Live those dreams, Scheme those schemes, Got to hit me (hit me), Hit me (hit me), Hit me with those laser beams!”
The theme of light as a burning tool was included in the song Fix You by Coldplay. It always struck me that Coldplay write great tunes but rubbish lyrics. Here we go: “Lights will guide you home, And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you” Perhaps we are getting the impression that light and lasers are so inextricably linked to burning and destruction. What other properties of laser light are revealed by my research?
I don’t know where the theme of sharks with lasers came from – there is a quote in the film Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
where Dr Evil says “I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin laser beams attached to their heads” apparently to warm up their food. This spurned a lot of songs including sharks and lasers.
Another pairing has been cats and laser pointers, which stimulated a band called Young Folk to write in their song Rosie Cat: “I got a laser pointer in my hand, Can't believe she doesn't understand, Even though she tries with all her might, She's never gonna catch that tiny red light” this being but one in a myriad of citations for laser pointers and cats.
Finally, something a little different is the first musical instrument that used the non-contact nature of lasers, the “laser harp”. Patented in 1981 by French composer Bernhard Szajner and used by Jean-Michel Jarre in all his concerts since then – combining the light show with the musical experience.
What is the moral of the tale? Popular perception of lasers as instruments of death or torture (thanks again James Bond and Ian Flemming) perhaps hindered the adoption of them as safe and capable manufacturing tools. And don’t believe everything you hear in lyrics!....
Dave MacLellan
dave@ailu.org.uk www.ailu.org.uk
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