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COPING WnH BEREAVEMENT A brief guide to grief What is grief?
Grief affects us all at one time or another and it is a normal emotion we feel as a response to loss,” says Claire Collins, Interim Bereave ment Coordinator, Marie Curie Hospice, Hampstead (
www.mariecurie.org.ukl. “Throughout our lives we
experience many different types of loss, such as rela tionship breakdowns, re dundancy, financial, health ' and the death of a loved one. These losses can often lead to a further series of losses.”
What are the common symptoms ofgrief?
“Many symptoms of grief - can be experienced after
the loss of a loved one,” says Claire. “The emotional .
' responses include shock, numbness, denial, isolation, loneliness, sadness, anger, despair, emptiness, help lessness, fear and anxiety. “We cannot‘see’ these
emotions, but there may be more obvious physical symptoms such as disrupted sleep (sleeping more or in ability to sleep), loss of ap petite, tearfulness, lethargy, panic attacks, increased susceptibility to colds and illness. These responses to loss are normal and do not last forever. “Our social context can
also be affected as social circles may change, finances and housing may be impact ed by the loss. Spiritually, we may experience a crisis in faith or a struggle to find
meaning, both a meaning in life and a meaning in death.”
Does everyone “No is the answer," says
Claire. “Grief is completely unique to each individual. Everyone grieves differently, even within one family or a couple, a fact which can have an impact on relationships. “There is no right way or
wrong way to grieve, no set pattern and no set time- frame. Its symptoms change as we learn to live without. the person who has died. Sometimes grief can be complicated due to histori cal losses, difficult relation ships with the deceased or the circumstances of the
-
experience grief in the same way?
death,for example sudden death, death after a long ill ness, suicide or murder. “Migration and leaving
behind our country of origin can also involve the losses of family and friends, history
.and cultural heritage and this can also impact on our grieving process.”
What are the common stages ofgrief?
“Much has been written about the stages or tasks of grief by researchers such as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Colin Murray Parkes and J Wil liam Worden,” says Claire. “They speak about how
the loss of a loved one is of ten followed by feelings of shock, denial and numbness
which can move into an ac ceptance of the loss as we get back into life’s daily activi ties such as work, social circles and meeting
. new people. Life gradually becomes fuller and we are . able to think fondly about our loved ones without be coming overwhelmed by grief."
What are the common misconceptions about grief?
“People sometimes feel that
the bereaved should be ‘over it’ or ‘moving on’ after a few weeks or months, but there isnosettimefor grieving,” says Claire. “There is no magic wand that can take the pain away, it takes time
What are your top tips for someone experiencing grief?
“When you’re experiencing a bereavement it is impor-
What are the main differences between grief and depression?
and we can feel as if we are literally‘going mad’with grief. This is‘normal’. “People experience
grief in their own unique way, adults and children, men and women, and it also is important that we acknowledge everyone's grief, including people with learning disabilities or suf ferers of dementia. Further information can be found at
www.ncpld.org and http://
www.alzheimers.org.uk/ site/scripts/download info. nhn?fileID=i7q6.”
tantyou lookafteryour- self and eat regularly,” says Claire. “Try to get out and take some physical exercise ifyou can. “Also, try to make some
space and time foryour- self and to rememberyour loved one. Plus, remember grieving is ‘normal’ - give yourself time as your grief will change. “If you are struggling
to cope with your feelings, seek further help. Talk to your GP or friends and fami ly who could find assistance foryou if needed."
sbelie meso
“The symptoms of grief mentioned above may be similar to those of depres sion,” says Claire. “How ever, depression usually results in a more ‘constant’ state whereas grieving is triggered by memories or reminders of a loved one. There are good days and bad days when we are grieving and eventually these bad days can become bad mo ments.”
How can we support someone else who is grieving?
“If someone you know has been through a bereave ment and is grieving it is important that you allow them to be sad and cry if they want to. Do not be
embarrassed by their grief, instead acknowledge it. “In addition do not avoid
talking about the deceased, the bereaved may need to keep talking about their loved one. “It’s also important to
let them have space if they need it. Offering to help with things such as cook- • ing a meal, shopping, doing some laundry or other prac tical tasks can also be useful. “In addition signpost
them to sources of informa tion at Marie Curie’s website
www.mariecurie.org.uk/ help.”
What can help a grieving person cope with annual reminders and poignant dates throughout the year?
F j f H n y f f J For something a little different to
HH01 reflect a lifelong passion... a Motorcycle or Horse Drawn Hearse ; . ^ / ► v<> Tt 1 ' . ' ' ii L$T i G3._:
or for something more traditional... P& J
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-. ,VTake good care of yourself •J Eat regularly - VTake some physical exercise , VTryandmaintainaroutine . VGiveyourselftimetobesad
“Reminders such as birth days, anniversaries, Christ mas and other poignant dates throughout the year can be difficult to antici pate, but can be a time to reflect and rememberyour loved one both alone and with family and friends. It is ok to be sad and tearful on these days,” says Claire. “They may become land marks for how grief changes
.
: VTryand keep regular sleeping patterns ■J Remember grieving is‘normal’
VDon’tbeembarrassedtoaccepthelpfromothers ■ VTalktofamilyandfriendsabouthowyouarefeeling ■ VMaketimeforyourmemories ■
. .
: V Seek help from your GP if necessary or see a counsellor V Talkto people who have had similar experiences ■ •VKnowthatyouwillfeelbetterintime
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MOREABOUTMARIE CURIE Claire Collins is an Interim
HELPINGOTHERS...
V Give them space if they want it -/ Listen without interrupting ’ . . V Let them know it’s ok to be sad V Don’t assume you know how they're feeling V Let them talk about the loved one they’ve lost VAcknowledgehowthey’refeeling
VOfferhelpwithprarticaltasksorchildcare • •
y Suggest sources of information, such as books, pamphlets or leaflets, that may help them understand how they're feeling
V Know that they may needyour support over a long period of time i/Lookout forwarningsignsthat they may need professionalhelp
Bereavement Coordinator at the Marie Curie Hospice, Hampstead.
Marie Curie (
www.mariecu- . . '•
rie.org.uk) provides practical car e and support in the homes of terminally ill people across the UK through its network of near ly 2,000 Marie Curie Nurses, plus undertakes research into the best ways of caring for people with a terminal illness, and their fami lies and carers.
The charity also has nine Marie
Curie Hospices across the UK which provide expert care for people with terminal illnesses.
TO MOURN A DEATH - CELEBRATE A UFE - BRING COMFORTTO THE LIVING . • MiiSagiSB
. over the course of time as . you learn to mourn the loss without fear of becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.”
COPING WITH BEREAVEMENT
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