REEL LIFE
Recent RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Kandy Muse will headline the Disney villain origin story Ursula, as she begins to hone her voice-stealing abilities. Of note, until she accomplishes her dastardly feat, the film will be shown with subtitles as nobody gets half of what she’s saying, unless it’s praising herself. Speaking of the House of Mouse, look for Miley Cyrus to return to her Disney roots as Peter Pansexual alongside other celebrities who don’t limit their sexual choices regarding biological sex, gender or gender identity. Look for Janelle Monáe as Captain Hook and Kesha as Tinkerbell. The soundtrack features collaborations by Sia and Panic! at the Disco front man Brendon Urie. Following in the footsteps of Bohemian Rhapsody and Rocketman
comes the music-infused story of recently out country musician T.J. Osborne, who is one half of the self-explanatory sibling-based duo known as Brothers Osborne in the biopic Osborne This Way. The Wizard of Oz remake set — yes, they are seriously doing
this — is reportedly haunted by Ray Bolger’s ghost singing “If I Only Had a Brain,” which he directs at the powers-that-be who greenlit the project. It is revealed by Baby Gap T-shirt wearing ghost hunter Zak Bagans that it is really the cast of the upcoming film adaptation of Wicked behind the spectral shenanigans. It appears the studio becomes worried that the remake that is slated for theatrical release before their film will taint their box office receipts. With Daniel Craig set to step down as James Bond after No Time to
Die, the hunt is on for a new 007 with actor Idris Elba in the running for the coveted role. But producers decide to up the diversity quotient. Enter Billy Porter as Bond, James Bond, who takes on Leslie Jordan’s villain C. Losetcase, who is loosely based on Sen. Lindsey Graham. And he even gets a Bond Boy in the guise of out athlete/actor Gus Kenworthy as his love interest Dick Aplenty in 00 No He Didn’t.
NAME THAT TUNE
The Puerto Vallarta party gays — who circumvented coronavirus social-distancing protocols and saw their party cruise boat sink off the
coast of Mexico on New Year’s Eve — will be the subject for a Titanic remake. And it turns out to be a case of art imitating life, when it’s revealed that the cause for the boat’s untimely demise was that the 60 passengers made the bow top
heavy when they each wanted a turn to shout “I’m the queen of the world!” James Corden and Gal Gadot blindly sign on to a project in
an effort to appease gay fans disappointed in Corden’s awful thespian interpretation of a gay man in The Prom and Gadot’s underwhelming movie Wonder Woman 1984. Don’t get me started on that one, since I was thisclose to turning in my gay card! Anyhoo, this occurs after a producer declares this secret project is something “the gays will LOVE!” The two find themselves on the set for Cats 2. Only being aired on public-access television. In Alabama. After a 17-year absence from directing a movie, John Waters
returns with a cinematic offering on a subject he knows all-too-well. Dreamland chronicles the early days of his guerilla-style filmmaking forays and his cast of characters known as the Dreamland Players. Look for Steve Buscemi to be digitally enhanced to play young Waters, and after an exhaustive search for someone to portray Divine, it is decided they will just utilize existing footage of the incomparable drag queen. Actor Armie Hammer has found himself in the middle of quite
the controversy for his off-screen sexual proclivities, in which it has been claimed that he wants to drink the blood of his partners and the rumor that he is a cannibal! The producers behind Find Me, the Call Me by Your Name sequel, fire the actor and replace him with Sir Anthony Hopkins, as his bouts with the subject of cannibalism are only reserved for his role as Hannibal Lecter.
Ricky Martin will spearhead a benefit song cover of The
Rainbow Connection from The Muppet Movie and will not only enlist Erasure, The Pet Shop Boys, Lance Bass and Adam Lambert on the endeavor, but reunites with his former Menudo bandmates on the all-Spanish version. Ay, Dios mio! Actress Sarah Paulson channels Marlo Thomas’ 1970’s children’s album Free to Be …You and Me with the Sapphic-based offering Les Be Friends. She will pay homage to Thomas’ original project by including the songs “Girl Land” by Tegan and Sara, and Tracy Chapman’s re-interpretation of “Ladies First,” while giving “Sisters and Brothers” and “My Dog Is a Plumber” a decidedly lesbian twist! She enlists Melissa Etheridge, The Indigo Girls and k.d. lang to cover “Sisters and Sisters” and Brandi Carlile croons “My Girlfriend Is a Plumber.” CUT. PRINT. THAT’S A WRAP! And there you have it, just an example of why you don’t want to walk alone in my mind on a dark street. Who knows? Maybe some of these scenarios will happen and for that, you’ll have to stay tuned.
Tim Parks has been a freelance writer for 21 years, a columnist for 16 years, and part of Team Rage since 2009. He is the award-winning author of The Scheme of Things, available on
Amazon.com.
MARCH 2021| @theragemonthly 15
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