hollywood by tim parks CELEBRITY APRIL FOOLS’ PREDICTIONS
Last year certainly seemed like an April Fools’ Day prank with no end in sight, and it still remains to be seen how 2021 will pan out. So that makes it incredibly difficult to type with crossed fingers. Streaming TV shows certainly provided what entertainment should be, an escape from the real-life horrors that were unfolding at a rapid clip and proved to be a much-needed respite from the 24-hour news cycle filled with grim statistics.
THE TV SET It will come as no surprise that the new season of
American Horror Story, which is filming in P-Town, will be subtitled When Bears Attack. Instead of supernatural creatures besieging the popular gay destination spot, it will be revealed that the main characters have merely stumbled onto a furry convention. Bravo TV will get into the game show, well, game with
two new offerings. I Literally Can’t in which two millen- nial contestants, like Kylie Jenner and Real Housewives of Salt Lake City cast member Meredith Marks’ gay son Brooks, are put to the test by having to use a rotary phone and program a VCR. The silver lining for their lack of old- school technical prowess will be a dose of self-realization. Jenner will set out to show that all of her taste isn’t in her mouth, while Marks comes to realize that designing only track suits does not a clothing line make. One of Andy Cohen’s signature bits on Watch What
Happens Live is his drinking-game alert, in which a singular word uttered during the broadcast denotes when viewers take a shot. He expands on that notion with, wait for it, Drinking
Game Alert, a game show that pits the biggest drunks in Housewives history in a contest that puts their drinking skills into play, while hurling insults and glasses at each other. Look for Slag, err, Salt Lake City villain Jen Shah to use her penchant for throwing glasses when angry on a team of one, since no one likes her. She’ll be pitted against Real Housewives of New York’s Sonja Morgan, who will flash her undercarriage in an attempt to throw Shah off her game; while co-star Ramona Singer will use her Turtle Time dance to bob and weave the glasses. Each team, except for lone wolf Shah, will get an assist from a sideline player. Luann de Lesseps will utilize her “interesting” singing skills to try to shatter the glasses. In later episodes, the West Coast represents with former Real Housewives of Orange County castmate Tamra
Judge throwing wine in people’s faces and Shannon Storms Beador will perform a Mexican hat dance around shards of glass and yell “Una amiga!” OC sideline cheerleader Gina Kirschenheiter screams at them that they are “sloppy Chihuahuas” in an effort to motivate her castmates. Meanwhile, non-drinker Braunwyn Windham-Burke will annoy contestants by shouting how many months sober she is. Recently, there has been a spate of sexualized and
gay-makeover illustrations of beloved male characters from our childhood making the rounds on the interwebs. In that vein, Yasssesame Street stars Bert and Ernie as more than the roommates that they portrayed on the PBS cornerstone children’s program. Bedrock residents Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble start the Stone Age’s first bathhouse as detailed in Yabba Dabba Doo Me. Two members of Mystery, Inc., Fred and Shaggy, will become a Speedo-clad detective duo who solve mysteries on Fire Island in Scooby’s Snacks. Laverne Cox goes from being a co-star to running the
show on the re-imagined Love Boat homage, Transconti- nental, which details romance for passengers on cross- country train trips. Cox portrays the engineer who plays Cupid for guest stars, including Sean Hayes, Jane Lynch, Cheyenne Jackson, Kate McKinnon and Matt Bomer. And look for out actors to flesh out your Transcontinen-
tal crew with Neil Patrick Harris giving his take on Lauren Tewes’ cruise director, Julie McCoy as Jules, your cruising director who points male passengers to hidden corners of the train to, um, take advantage of the dark. Wanda Sykes mixes the drinks and offers her point-blank insights as your sassy bartender. Also on board is George Takei as Doc, whose most-talked-about scene will be performing physicals on the recent, um, rash of out athletes, like hockey player Brock Weston and bisexual UK puck maestro Zach Sullivan — oh my!
The past 12 months of downtime have given me time to
let my imagination run wild and, surprisingly, I’ve decided to use that power for good. Crazy, right? And even though it’s only March, I thought I’d get a
jump-start on my creative spring cleaning by dusting off my crystal ball, peering into it to see what may come to pass for the world of entertainment, specifically television, movies and music. Let’s take a gander, shall we?
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ragemonthly.com| MARCH 2021
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