feeling down or hugging our moms in the morning is hardwired into us. When we decide to be kind to ourselves, it’s easy to think of what we would say: “I’m sorry you failed that test. You’ll do better next time. How can I help you?” To lend perspec- tive, add a statement about our common humanity, counsels Neff. “Tis is hard for everybody. You’re not alone.” We must be aware of our pain before
we can comfort it, and many of us try to suppress or resist pain, choosing to numb it with distractions like alcohol addiction or compulsive shopping. Others may get lost in the storyline of what’s happening and succumb to suffering with no apparent way to obtain relief. Self-pity or self-criticism may creep in. Mindful awareness is the antidote to
these emotional extremes, because it helps us become aware that we are experienc- ing pain and to stay with that pain long enough to make a conscious decision to take care of ourselves. “One easy thing is physical touch,” says Neff. “Te first few years of life you have no words, so the body is programmed to respond to touch as a signal of care. Put your hand on your heart or your stomach, or hold your hand. Tis changes your physiology, activates your parasympathetic nervous system, helps you calm down and helps you feel physically supported. Sometimes, that’s an entryway for people.”
Finding Confidence Trough
Unpleasant Feelings Nobody likes to feel sad or embarrassed. We’d rather have an ice cream cone or turn on the TV. But for Dr. Joan Rosen- berg, a prominent psychologist and speaker, uncomfortable feelings present an invaluable opportunity for people to transform into confident individuals that relate to the world around them with authenticity and resilience. In her book 90 Seconds to a Life You
Love, Rosenberg offers a formula—one choice, eight feelings, 90 seconds—to experi- ence and move through eight of the most common unpleasant feelings: sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, embarrassment, disap- pointment, frustration and vulnerability.
people will start to lean into them, and once they do, their life changes,” Rosenberg says. To move through bodily sensations,
which may come in multiple waves, take deep, slow breaths. Try not to tighten up or clench the jaw and swallow. Notice the loca- tion and nature of the bodily sensations to help identify which of the eight unpleasant feelings it might be, and be curious as to what might have triggered it. All of this will take a few moments. With practice, identification will become faster, easier and more accurate. “If I have more time, then I can think
“Te choice is to stay aware of and in
touch with as much of your moment-to- moment experience as possible and not get lost in avoidance,” she explains, adding that there are more than 30 behaviors, thoughts and emotions that we employ as distractions, including substance abuse, social media, pornography, exercise, ob- sessive thoughts about body image, humor and denial. “Be aware of what you’re aware of,”
she advises. “If we know that we don’t like feelings, and we know we’ve been engaged in using ways to distract ourselves, then our challenge is to be more awake and aware of those times we do it, and as soon as we start to do the thing and become aware, that’s when we make the decision to stop and ask, ‘What’s really going on?’” Discoveries in neuroscience suggest
that most of us come to know what we’re feeling emotionally through bodily sen- sations. We might feel heat in the neck and face when embarrassed or a sinking feeling in the chest when disappointed. As feelings get triggered in the body, a rush of biochemicals in the bloodstream activate these sensations and are flushed out of the bloodstream in roughly 90 seconds. “Most people have the impression that
feelings linger a whole lot longer and that they’re going to be overwhelmed by it and never come out of it if they start. But when they understand that what they’re trying to avoid are uncomfortable bodily sensations that help you know what you’re feeling emo- tionally, and that these are short-lived, most
about whether this is connected to anything else. Is it just one thing that triggered it, or is it like something else that’s happened be- fore?” Rosenberg says. Tis level of aware- ness leads to a calming effect, clearer
Making Courage a Habit
In her book Te Courage Habit, life coach Kate Swoboda presents a four-part meth- od for people to face their fears, release the past and live their most courageous life.
Access the body. Practice any body-cen- tric activity like mindful meditation, exer- cise or dancing every single day to release stress and anxiety, become centered and more present, and clear the mind.
Listen without attachment. When your self-critic offers a warning or criticism, hear the words, understanding that this is fear trying to protect you and deciding that it’s misguided and not true.
Reframe limiting stories or beliefs. Amend your internalized self-critic’s mes- sages to be more respectful and supportive. If it says, “You’re stupid to try that,” revise it to, “I’m smart because I’m willing to try.”
Create community. Reach out to like- minded individuals that are supportive of the changes you are trying to make.
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