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Patricia J. Crane, Ph.D. Author, speaker, trainer


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Cary Bayer, Life Coach, author of Prosperity Aerobics and Meditations on Enlightenment www.carybayer.com


Truth in Relationships One of themost expressed complaints in relationship issues is


communication. Much has been written on the topic especially on the specifics of how to communicate effectively. Given new tools we can learn to express in ways that will elicit being heard and understood by the other person. With an awareness of the mechanics of communication we


learn to express inways thatwill ensure good listening, hearing and understanding. These “mechanics” address, for example, using “I” statements, sharing feelings, listening in silence etc. We learn to transform what derails communication into what enhances it. The mechanics or rules for effective communication address


the “how” of it, which is very necessary. However, underneath the rules is the premise thatwe are expressing our truth. That is amuch more difficult skill and requires a lot more than changing some pronouns around. A successful relationship shows up as a peaceful, loving and


respectful connection. Itmeans that challenges aremet and resolved with a minimum of difficulty. This is all possible when we share our truths. Truths are not absolute. Truths are our feelings and feelings are very changeable. When we share our feelings, our truths, there is an immediate shift. Sometimes the shift is also in the other person and/or the situation. The least of it is we feel better and lighter for bringing something important out into the open. The harder issue is recognizing what is really our truth. Some


guideposts: it is NOT our truth: if it is about the other person, if we are feeling angry or reactive, if we are going on and on defending or explaining or judging, if we are engaged in the story of who did or said what, if we are trying to be right or if we are using logic. None of these are truth. The truth is much more simple. It is the plain and simple


statement of what we are feeling. This, however, requires a lot of soul searching. How easy it is for the best of us to get lost in what we think our truth is but truth is about feeling, not thinking. That’s what makes it simple and yes, difficult in another way. There is often a fear of owning what is really true for us so we


get stuck in either a story or logic orwe say, “I don’t know” or “I’m confused”. These are ways of avoiding the truth.We don’t always know we are doing that although if we check in with ourselves, we might realize it.Wemight even get an inkling ofwhat is really going on deep down for us and why we fear speaking it.


We could have fear, for example, that we will end up in a big


fight or feel shame or be rejected.We could fear that our truthwould end the relationship. As a consequence we suppress these feelings by not recognizing them, not owning them, not expressing themand staying in the story, in logic or in the “confusion” of “I don’t know.” Many couples enter counseling with their story or their


repetitive argument that somehow never finds resolution. Usually, the reason is that the deeper truth has not yet been expressed, the truth that surpasses all of the storylines. For example, a person could be expressing his or her disappointment that the partner spends too much time at work, on devices, with friends etc. Each complaint has an example(s) to go along with it. Underneath, however, is the unexpressed but simpler and truer feeling of, “I feel lonely” or “I miss you”. That is somuch easier to dealwith because it is the sim- ple truth and therefore we don’t get all tangled up in who is right or wrong or the logistics of the situation. There is no room for right or wrong in truth and there is no


room for logic. Right or wrong is based on judgment and does not work in matters of the heart. Truth comes out of our body, not our head. Truth comes out of our heart, not our logic. Logic solves practical problems that have solutions. Relationship issues require resolutions. Feelings are alive, a part of us, changeable and heart and body centered. This is the realmof truth, not the realmof logic. The secret to a successful relationship is to honor our truth at


all times. It is definitely not easy but there is a way to begin. We have to start by telling the simplest truthwe can find in themoment and then followthe thread. Thatmight be, “I have a heaviness inmy chest” and then follow it. You can close your eyes and allow the feeling of the heaviness. Relax and the next feeling will come up. You may feel like “I want to cry” or “I feel a sad longing”. Again relax into it and allowthe next feeling to unfold. The only “have to” is to stay with the feelings in the body. The body is a great messenger for our truths and it is our responsibility to listen to its message and share that with our partner.


Marina Maurino, is a teacher/therapist who integrates


psychology, spiritual principles and an energy based perspective in herworkwith clients. Shewelcomes anyone ready towork on per- sonal or relationship issues. She can be reached at 201-967-9377 or visited at www.reflectingtruth.com.


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