Telling the Truth Telling the truth is one of the most important
ingredients to living a life in integrity and living healthily in a relationship. Of course, we think that telling the truth is the
opposite of lying. It’s not so easy and honest to stay with that definition.Avery important distinction is that there are two kinds of lying or not truth telling. One regards not telling the truth about facts and the other which also causes dire issues in communication is not telling the truth about feelings. Bothwill be addressed
here.My actual definition of the therapy I do is to help people search for their truths. We learn as children that telling the truth, which is
what actually comes naturally to us, does not always work. Many caretakers and parents react quickly or reproach quicklywhenwe innocently tell the truth, for example, that we ate the cookie or broke the toy. We learn quickly that telling the truth is dangerous and that “Daddy or Mommy won’t like me.” Children learn quickly that telling the truthmakes themunacceptable to the parents or caretakers. I especially have seenwith themany teenagers I’ve beenwith that they lie because they knowtheir parentswill be disappointed in themor worse give them the message that there is something wrong with
them.Agood example is lying about a test grade.A“B”makes you acceptable to your parents. C, D, F makes you less than acceptable to your parents. What child wants to feel that? As an aside, therapy works for teenagers when I, as the therapist, don’t judge their acceptability by grades or even by the not wonderful behaviors they sometimes exhibit. They talk freely and tell many truths and do not lie when they feel unconditionally accepted. Then there are two other types of lying. Lying by
commission is outright not telling the truth about facts. There are no such things as alternative facts. A lie of commission is, “I’m at work” but you’re really in a corner at the bar so the other person doesn’t knowwhere you really
are.Alie of omission is when you don’t give information that ordinarily should be given. “I will be home late tonight” implies that you will be staying late at work when in fact, you have other plans.We lie be- cause we don’t want to have conflict or discussion by telling the truth. If we lie we know we are lying. Telling the truth about feelings is crucial in our
intimate relationships as well as with friends or any- one else we deal with. If we don’t tell the truth of our
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other. Sometimes we can’t admit that we really don’t want to liberate the other by telling the truth because he or she might reject us, be angry, shame us or in some way disconnect from us. Often, we want our cake and eat it too. This doesn’t work for truth telling or for our relationships. Not telling the truth hurts everyone but I know telling the truth is a hard sell for all of us. Another factor to be aware of is thatwhen someone
feelings to our partners the conversation could result in blaming, judging and criticizing. This is not truth
telling.Men in particular say, “I don’t tell her the truth of what I’m doing or even thinking because I don’t want to hurt her”. First of all, I’ve never heard anyone say they were hurt because someone told them the truth. We don’t always like the truth we hear but we prefer it to lying. Furthermore, the “I don’twant to hurt her” is disingenuous because we are not admitting, “I don’t want to tell her the truth to save my butt!” I’ve also heard men say, “It’s kinder to stay silent than tell the truth that could hurt.” How do you make that judgment? Since when is a lie of omission or commission kind? Telling the truth liberates us and it liberates the
is not telling the truth in a relationship or family system an energy of anger is created. The anger manifests in bickering or arguments or disconnect but the truth is that the partner feels the energy of untruth and is reacting in anger even if he or she doesn’t know why. Men sometimes say that they do not tell the truth because they don’t want to create drama or hysterics. Just imagine the drama or hysterics when the other finds out we’ve been lying. We can’t relax into a relationship or bewhowe truly
are with another, that is be emotionally or sexually intimate, if we are afraid of being judged. To be in an intimate relationshipman or woman is to be able to trust that when we tell the truth we are still acceptable to the other and will not be judged for what we do or feel. This is the foundation of relationships.We can only trustwhen our body, mind and soul believe that the other is always telling the truth and will always do so. Anything less is soul betrayal. Do we really want to risk that? Deception always does damage!
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who
practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in supporting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife,Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
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