www.upbeattimes.com The Positive Power of Apology


Sonoma County, CA. ~ Something about the way we are taught to live makes us ter- ribly unhappy: it’s the notion that whatever we do should be “perfect”. Although we all know in our hearts that


we’re


highly imper- fect, we also learn early on to


settle for


second-best; a hotly-de- fended


pre-


tense of per- fection. We learn as chil- dren to deny


our mistakes, to hide them, to blame others, to distract, to lie. Of course, most of us know when we’ve done wrong. The outcome of not admitting our mistakes is stress in the body and spirit. Lie detectors don’t find the lie, but the body’s ter- ror-stricken response to the lie. When we pretend perfection, we cause ourselves physical and metaphysical harm. When we make it normal to avoid apology


institutionalize


and restitution, we that harm: it


appears everywhere, causing widespread damage. But there is a remedy, as


simple as it is seemingly dif- ficult. The great Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh has lectured and


written about what phrases can he


calls mantras for loving. These simple


restore


harmony between people, can bring peace into families and communities. I’m going to share these ideas with you because knowing them, using them, teaching them to your family, will simply make your life happier. “I’m sorry.”


“I made a mistake.” “How can I make it right?” See how sim- ple they are? A child could say them! So, why is it so hard for us to admit our mistakes, apologize and make amends? It’s not, re- ally. It’s just that we’ve been taught that admitting mistakes a


is weakness.


And unfortu- nately, some people be- lieve it’s eas- ier to go on making mis-


takes than it is to do things right. But we also instinctively know that the people we run to when we’re in trouble are the ones so strong that they take responsibility for their actions, especially when they’ve done something wrong. Whatever the current culture celebrates or denigrates, we know in- tegrity in our very souls, and when we find it, we honor it. When people are dying, they don’t regret not having worked hard enough or not being richer. They regret not having loved others well enough. And love isn’t just a feeling: it’s a way of behaving. Thich Nhat Hanh (his students call him Thay), says that if your love makes someone cry, makes you cry, it’s not true love. True love seeks to make happiness. It takes action. Thay teaches that true apol- ogy and making amends are absolutely vital to loving oth- ers. To love someone, you have to be able to trust that they will do what’s right. That they’ll show up for you; they


he


Page 25 By Lori Covington of Sonoma County ~ writeforyou@gmail.com


will be fair. That when they screw up, they’ll say so and try to fix it. And crucially, we have to be able to trust ourselves to do that, too. So Thay has taught what calls “mantras”;


simple


phrases to help us communi- cate with those we care for. The mantras are also very powerful when you use them with your- self. With denial and deception come guilt and self-loathing. Making space for the truth detoxifies and builds real strength. You can have the following


conversation with


yourself or with someone else. Take a deep breath and smile: you are making love happen. I know I screwed up when I made that decision and it’s caused pain. I was afraid, so I


chose what looked like an easy option over the right one. I am sorry. Well, yes, it did make a mess,


but it’s done now and I see you did the best you could at the time. In hindsight, you could have done better--but who has hindsight! So I’m letting you off the hook. I forgive you. What can I do to make amends? Don’t let your fear cause you to make this mistake again. Sit with the fear, get help from your friends, don’t budge until you know you can make the right choice next time. Ok, I promise, I will be more careful --and less reactionary. It won’t be easy... I know! But it’ll be worth it. When you’re not used to it’s hard!


apologizing, But


like any exercise, it gets easier with practice. And the rewards are huge: has anyone ever hurt you, apologized and then tried to make it up to you? Didn’t that feel good, to have your hurt acknowledged, to know the other person wanted to make it right with you? Isn’t a real apology the most basic form of human justice? can you imagine what life might feel like if the


people


who’ve wronged you engaged these mantras with loving, corrective


intent? Can you


see how these simple acts are powerful tools for peace? There’s a reason most re- ligions have some aspect of confession. It’s not to humili- ate us, it’s to free us. Breaking ...continued on page 27


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“Whatever the cost of our libraries, the price is cheap compared to that of an ignorant nation.” ~ Walter Cronkite UPBEAT TIMES, INC. • December 2018 • 25


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