Preternatural Postbag
Dr
E.mann’s
Dear Dr E. Mann, Valentine’s day approaches. Now, since my son was 12, I’ve sent him an anonymous Valentine’s card to boost his self-esteem, what with him being both stupid and very ugly. Te thing is, he’s now 36 and married. What’s more, last Valentine’s day, his wife intercepted my 12 red roses and soppy poem. She proper lost her shit and kicked him out of the house. He’s now lived with me for almost a year. Should I take our relationship to the next level? Glorium, 56, Trowse
Dear Glorium, I feel like we’re off to an ethically murky start as far as psychic advice goes, but if you incest – insist! I mean insist. Every time I gaze into my crystal ball, I see visions of Oedipus, which is not a good sign, Glorium. Not good at all. You see, the Greeks believed in the old Gods, and they don’t approve of a bit-of-the-old “motherly love”. So, unless you’ve got a serious deus ex machina up your petticoat, I’d stop rubbing yourself up against your family tree lest you hang yourself from it.
Dear Dr E Mann, I think my girlfriend is cheating on me with Mike from accounts. I first suspected that something was up, because lately when
she’s been coming back from her lunch break, she’s been smelling funny. Like some kind of weird perfume. Ten the other day Mike gave me a lift home in his company Mondeo, and there it was. It was the fucking Magic Tree air freshener in his car! I need to know, is she cheating on me? CuckoldLangSyne69, NR1
Dear Cuck, Yes. She’s definitely cheating on you. However, all is not lost. Take my advice and cheer yourself up by saying “there’s no ACCOUNTING for taste!” in the mirror. Tis is funny because Mike, the guy that’s treating your wife like a pencil sharpener in a primary school (although I doubt she remains stationary), works in ACCOUNTING! See. I bet you feel better already. Also, the Mondeo is a lovely drive. Brum brum!
Dear Dr. E Mann I used to be like, “what’s all this I hear about faces in fruit?” It was all “I saw a face in this piece of fruit” and “I saw a face in that piece of fruit” and “I saw a face in the other piece of fruit”. Faces in fruit! I would have asked you! Ten I saw a face in a piece of fruit. A solemn, woe-stricken visage peering out from a recently chopped tomato. So, are tomatoes fruits or what? I reckon they’re a vegetable,
Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction,
the doctor of destiny. Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny. If you require guidance into a difficult situation, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? Well, as they say, the proof of the pudding is in the heating. And the last pudding you cooked was… on…GAS MARK 5! FLANTASTICAL!
because you wouldn’t have tomato ice cream for fuck’s sake. PippinCocks, Bumshaft
Dear Pippin, You’ll drive yourself bananas looking at pareiadolic images, in fruit or otherwise. Te question is not about what you see, but what you want to see. Te image is not in the fruit, but in your mind. Look at anything long enough and your true thoughts will stare back at you. Who did you see in the tomato? Was it peering out, or peering in? To answer your question, yes, tomato ice cream would be fucking rank.
Dear Dr E Mann, Every night I go to bed, and when I wake up in the morning there’s a jar at the end of my bed. An empty glass jar. I’ve no idea where they come from, I live alone, and it’s freaking me the fuck out. At first I thought that I was doing it in my sleep, but then I threw out every glass jar in the house, and still, in the morning, there it was. A round, clear, glass jar. One night I left the jar from the previous night exactly where it was, and do you know what I found the next morning? Tree glass jars! And it was three every night from then on. Ten I went away for a week to try and forget about it. Now I’ve got so many glass jars that the fucking council
won’t take my recycling anymore. Please doctor, you’ve got to help. TinCanAlan69, Cosie
Dear Alan, Tat whole experience sounds as if it was very… disconcerting. You’ll notice I could have said “jarring” there, but I didn’t, because this is not time for wordplay and brilliant puns. Tis is a serious matter. I’ve only ever come across this kind of manifestation once before in all my ghoulie-sniffing career, and that was the strange case of the Enfield Fanny-pack Phantom,, A poor, unfortunate 14- year old girl kept waking up mummified in an exponentially increasing number of waist-wallets.
Te moral is, make the best of a bad job. Chutney!
Running out of space, so just enough room to tell Eric of Postwick – Tey’re smaller than your average dog, but it still tastes like chicken; Derrick (no relation) of Postwick – When it’s the size of a cherry tomato, it’s almost certainly too early; Rodney of Acle – Your Mum; and finally, Jehnniey of NR3 – Stick it on Antiques Roadshow, and if he says less than a monkey, shiv the c*unt.
-Mail DrEMann@outlineo
nline.co.uk for psychic advice- 8 / FEB-MAR 2018 /
OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48
